Scary Dreams.

I have been yearning for love, to cure this loneliness.

The bittersweet moments of waiting, hurt.

So much so that I have gone numb.

Oblivious to the constant pain, the unheard nagging ache.

There were dreams that have gotten close, too close, that I was afraid.

Endlessly running away, looking for a tiny little chance of escaping.

Escaping the pain, the betrayal, the reawakening of the haunting past.

Ghastly past that I am scared of.

Terrified of.

Reality shook me up, woke me up, who was shaking with fear.

Then it dawned on me; when you got no love, you can’t get betrayed.

I want to enfold myself in a cocoon, so strong that nothing can break in, or break out.

But all I can muster is a thin, fragile eggshell.

Cracked and broken countless times.

With frail tears my hands trembled, gluing back the sheer shells piece by piece, little by little.

When will I ever be free?

Free from the undesired alarm that jerk me away from familiarity.

Free of the haunting terror that yank my heart away from intimacy.

Somebody, hear my craving of help…

Tear all chain of anxiety.

Get me free.

So that I can wrap myself in the sweet sheer strings of love.

Shackle me up to the binding love of yours.

Lina.

To. A dear Closed-One.

In the beginning, I was looking for a pillar of support.


Then, you appeared.


I thought; that’s great! I’ll be just fine from now on.


In a sudden turn of events, I felt obliged to be your pillar of support.


Instead of leaning on you, I tried to let you lean on me.


Perhaps, I am not a strong enough of a pillar for you to lean on.
Perhaps, I am not a soft enough of a pillow for you to rest your confused little head on.
Perhaps, I am just not the right person that could help you find your happiness.
Or perhaps, I am not the one to give you that happiness you always long for.


Most of our conversations are tainted with the bickers I despise.


Getting you upset and frustrated, getting me upset and frustrated.


Sadness.


Anger.


Misery.


More than happiness, we have sorrow.


I got frustrated.


I did not and still do not know what to do, or how to act.


So, I was thinking, to end this depression on our mental beings, we should end this hopeless connection, shouldn’t we?




I am confused, torn apart.
I said I care, but I thought of leaving.
I do not want to cause you any more despair.
So, I should stick by, shouldn’t I?


Or, should I leave before this resentment goes too deep?




You do not believe me, or maybe you could not.
Times and times again I told you I care.


You still do not believe it.


No, I can not give you everything you want, or need.


I am sorry.
I am sorry that I have my limitations.
I am sorry that I can not do every single thing you want me to.
I am sorry that I feel sorry for that.
I am sorry that I become sad for that, and that I cried over it.
I am sorry that this emotional baggage of mine, burden you even more.
I am just so sorry.




I know sorry can not do anything.


But still, I am sorry.


I fully realised that even with my sorry, I would not change anything, would not mend anything.
I am just so sorry.




I hope you can make up your mind.
Please let me know if you still want, or even need, me here.
And please let me know if you don’t.


I can neither stand your sadness, nor your anguish.


I want to help, and I tried to.


But nothing seems to work.


Nothing seems to affect you.
Nothing, and nobody, seems to influence you, but you.


I seemed to be of no use, of no influence, of no worth.


At this rate, the very thing that I wanted to tell you was that only you can save yourself.
‘Cause I can’t.
‘Cause I can’t stand your sorrow.


It frustrates the hell out of me.


Crazily, I want to help you, to save you if I can.


But it seems that I’ll be the one that needs helping, or worse, saving.


So please, let me know what my role is in this connection, and how do you want me to act it out.




Let me know if you want to continue this connection, ‘cause I wouldn’t want to endure this sickening feelings any longer.






With Love,
Diminishing me - Lina.

Jeritan Hati

Ku cari kesenangan terlarang

Di tengah dunia yang terbatas

Ku minum kabut dalam kesedihan

Ku teguk matahari dalam keremangan

Ku telan panas dalam kesilauan

Ku tarikan cinta dalam kesendirian

Kata-kata manis dari hati yang terasa pahit

Ketenangan dari gejolak

Dari keliaran muncul pengertian

Dari dinamika masa depan, muncul masa lalu yang sederhana dan nrimo

Hati yang tersakiti karena ketulusan

Tergores oleh belati rasa bersalah

Bolehkah meraih penguluran pengampunan?

Dunia ini yang terbelenggu rantai kemunafikan.

Dengan penuh cinta,

Lina.

How do you define friendship?

I was hurt, by some, who took my affection in friendship as granted.

It was painful, difficult to admit, and even harder to discuss.

It happened for as long as I can remember.

Among those in the ‘circle’, I’m a ‘nobody’. No attachment whatsoever.

But still, silly me, tagging along wherever they went.

Even when they went hush-hush on me or chatting merrily about things that I know nothing about, I would be there, sitting or standing, smiling like an idiot.

I wondered if they realise that I was hurt, feeling out of the ‘circle’.

Oh well, I don’t think they ever did.

Then again, I was the go-to person to ask for help.

Accommodation, vehicle, money, studies, listening ear, protection, mistake-covering, you name it, I did it.

Things that might seem outrageous to be asked, even for my standard now, I was asked.

But hey, “we let you tag along with us, so these little things are fine, right? Wouldn’t hurt you, anyway.”

For the security of friendship, I did what they asked.

Fighting with my parents because of the ‘extravagant’ demands that I have to keep up with, became a daily routine.

I felt shame, anguish, desperation.

It’s a circle I couldn’t get out of.

A maddening, tormenting one.

I wonder if it’s a curse, haunting me wherever I go.

I still feel the urge to run under the cover of the security of friendship.

I still am used.

I still feel hurt.

Even the ol’ scars ache time and again.

And the new wounds appear day by day, fresh.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that friendship is a 2-way, or more, communication.

I’m fine with giving.

But there are times, when I want to be the one taking, to be the one who is selfish.

Yet, most of the time, I couldn’t say it.

I feel that it is somewhat expected of me, to be at the providing end.

There were awkward moments when I didn’t want to be, but couldn’t gather the courage to say no.

Lies, over lies, over lies, to spare me the heartache of doing something I don’t want to, to put a stop to saying something I’ve been meaning to say, but couldn’t.

I’ve been wondering on how or when I should put a stop to this circle, without sacrificing the ‘friendship’.

It’s been a tiring life.

Sure, there are moments where I was grateful to have their companionship, to have laughter brought to me and uneasiness taken away.

Having said that, do the sacrifices worth the reward, or vice versa?


With Love,
Lina.

I Think My Parents Know How Wild I Could Be.

• In a particular occasion during a holiday trip to Bali, Dad playfully asked us to go in a club...
We went in,
> I was nonchalant,
> Mom was anxious,
> Bro was indifferent.
A waiter asked for orders,
> Mom and Bro straight away said: Orange juice.
> Father was not so fast on choosing…
> I…, was looking around, then with a bored face said: Do you have Lychee Martini – shaken, not stirred?
(I could have sworn I was desperately holding back my laughter looking at my parents face; eyes were almost popped from their face!)
> Dad abruptly said: ok, but we share!
> Me: ok, dad, no problem, no problem at all…
(It is so cute how Dad wanted to ‘keep my daughter safe’ and ‘let her taste the world’, so to speak, at the same time.)
I think Mom was so shock that she kind of froze while I was enjoying the beat, on my seat – mind you, and sipping the martini…
> Both of them ‘advised’ me not to go to ‘such’ place without them…
> Me: Yeah, Mom, Dad, sure thing! (:p)


• Another holiday trip, another bar.
At Jogja, just a hotel bar… *evil grin*
After watching Ratatouille Movie with Bro at the hotel’s home theatre (Yes, they have a home theatre set! How cool is that!), we joined our parents at the hotel’s bar.
> Dad ordered (surprised, surprised!!), TEA! A plain, old, traditional Javanese TEA! Not that tea’s no good; I myself a big, huge, fan of tea, but c’mon, this is a drinking, indulging time! And you drink TEA?! Oh, c’mon!!
> Mom got me even more surprised than ever, ordered herself a good dose of coconut water with some kind of concoction, plus RUM! Oh, good ol’ Mom! Drinkin’ RUM?! Now this, I got to witness!
> Bro got himself a vanilla milkshake and huge waffle with ice-cream…
> Me, the adventurer of the night, got myself a tall, slim glass of Bloody Mary… (Oh, what a night!)
I did not finish my Mary, though, but I finished Mom’s rum (which she drank only a lil’ bit)! It was nice and sweet, just like Mom… (:p)


• I think they are aware of how wild their child, or any other person in the family, for that matter, could be.


• Sometimes I really am baffled on those parents who, despite the unforeseeable and highly versatile circumstances their children are in, still believe that the kids are still a good, naïve baby girl/boy.
> Puhlease! Open your eyes, people! A good, nice, sweet appearance is nothing!
You would not know them on your back if they do not want you to.
There are, certain advantages, where it might only be granted with a positive image, y’know…


• PS. Mom, Dad, I show you the ‘worldly’ me, because I want you to know that I can handle and take care of myself, and my drink… (:p)
All those drunk and sick moments? Whom else I dare to do if that with if not you guys? Because I know you will take care of me…
Because I know, I am safe with you… (^^)
With other people? I would not dare get drunk, I will be timid, or even more so when hanging out with my friends to the uncharted territory, for the lack of a better word…


LotsOfLove,
Lina.

To. My dear friend; O.S.

Old pal, I am sorry…


I was afraid.


Meeting you and your family was a huge step for me.


Via internet is one thing, but I draw the line on meeting ‘off-line’.


I am sorry; I backed-out on our friendship. I have no excuse whatsoever.


I was afraid.


I did not want to be the third party, even though I knew it was ridiculous and impossible.


But please understand that I did not want what happened to me, happened to your family.


It was a huge blow for me, as it would be for anybody else, including your family.


And I am such an awkward person; I did not know how to face you, or your family, in person.


Online, I can freely pour what I want to say, but I am such a goof when it comes to real face-to-face communication.


Those are not excuses though, especially when your family knew and agreed to meet me.


I think she is such a great person, and God bless you with her. ^^


I hope you are alright, pal…


I just recently thinking of blogging again and I saw your blog…


Sorry, I remember how hard it was for you, and I, inconsiderately, backed-out from our friendship.


Sorry.



Sincerely,
Lina.

My Love Is Undead.

Among the people I always look up to, there is one fabulous person I will always love dearly.


I saw him as the ideal person on earth, my epitome of an ideal living.


But he destroyed my heart long ago, shattering it to pieces.


It turned out that he is just a mere human who is capable of hurting others.


(Boy, was my illusion shattered…)


Took me a darn long time to pick up the pieces and rearrange it to a suitable picture.


Years by years gone by, I have yet to finish it, to decide again, who he is in my life.


My love for him will always be there even though he hurt me.


Actually, not me, but one other person whom I value and treasure greatly in my life.


But the betrayal, the tears, the screaming and shouting; the lost home, drove me to the brink of my sanity.


Even now, I have yet to finish the puzzle of his identity in my life.


This is a million-piece puzzle.


Times and times again, I made mistakes; the pieces did not fit together, the picture is fragile and simply wrong, and it did not take a long time to fall apart, again.


I do not know if I want to continue living like this, but it scares me to forget and go on, for the love that is just like him.


He was my ideal living, but I have yet to find a replacement for that position which he let go when he deluded me.


Will I ever find someone like him, sans the betrayal?


Isn’t it funny that I am looking for a person just like him, when I know he betrayed us?


Love,
Lina.

The Only Constant Is Change.

I don’t believe in leaving people…

Even if they change…

If you call yourself a family, or a friend, would you leave them as and when they change?

Would you still call yourself a family, or a friend?

I wouldn’t.

But then, I wouldn’t leave my family or friends, even if they change.

So what if they change?

Everybody changes.

Everything changes.

Even I do, and you know you do.

Wouldn’t it be so selfish of us, to change and want others to accept us readily, while we don’t allow them to change and leave them when they do?

It’s horrifying even to think that a real friend would use their existence in others life to threatened his/her friends not to change. How arrogant and how selfish could you be in life?!

For the better or for worse, I will always be here.

Where and when you need me, I’ll try to comply.

Friends, many of us are separated by the oceans, by the lands, by the time zone.

I might not be able to see you in person, to hug you when you cry, to heal your wounds when you hurt.

But please believe that my heart will always be with you. I never, ever, forget you even if I don’t talk about or to you. The physical constraint wouldn’t be able to restraint my love for you.

I have changed, yes.

My friends have changed, yes.

My family has changed, yes.

I didn’t leave them and wouldn’t leave them, and they didn’t leave me either when I

changed.

It was bad, bad, times. Horrible and terrifying, but I survived, and so will anybody else.

Going through changes doesn’t mean every past will be wiped out, y’know?

Things aren’t the same way it used to be anymore.

New individuals, new experiences, new stories in life.

Should anybody be blamed for this? No!

Should anybody be left for these things they can’t control? No!

So what if we met new individuals and stayed in an entirely new environment? Nothing’s wrong with that.

We just have to treasure those memories we were granted, and none, whatsoever changes can take it away from us.

Love,

Lina.

Hugs n Kisses.

Blame It On The Samba by The Dinning Sisters, Organist Ethel Smith

If your spirits have hit a new low
And they long to hit a new high
One little musical cocktail
Will lift them to the sky


Mix a jigger of rhythm
With a strain of a few guitars
And a dash of the samba
And a few melodious bars


And then, and then...


You take a small cabassa (chi-chi-chi-chi-chi)
One pandeiro (cha-cha-cha-cha-cha)
Take the cuíca (boom-boom-boom-boom)
You’ve got the fascinating rhythm of the samba


And if guitars are strumming (chi-chi-chi-chi-chi)
Birds are humming (cha-cha-cha-cha-cha)
Drums are drumming (boom-boom-boom-boom)
Then you can blame it on the rhythm of the samba


For there is something ’bout the beat you cling to
That’s the type of song you sing to
That’s the kind of thing you swing to
When you get to bouncing with the beat in your feet


But when you’re bouncing to the beat you’re reeling
With the carioca feeling
But if you want to hit the ceiling
Here is all you have to do


You take a small cabassa [...]


(I didn’t manage to get the rest of the lyrics, but you can watch it on YouTube; Blame it on the Samba.)


> Starring: Donald Duck, José ‘Zé’ Carioca, The Aracuan Bird, Ethel Smith, and voices of The Dinning Sisters.


> Amazing, amazing piece of music! The rhythm was cheerful, the lyrics were awakening. A very nice piece for a bluish day! ^^

Cheers,

Lina.

I Believe In You by Il Divo and Celine Dion

Lonely
The path you have chosen
A restless road
No turning back
One day you
Will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go
Be strong


Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you


Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.


Tout seul
Tu t'en iras tout seul
Coeur ouvert
A l'univers
Poursuis ta quête
Sans regarder derrière
N'attends pas
Que le jour
Se lève


Suis ton étoile
Va jusqu'où ton rêve t'emporte
Un jour tu le toucheras
Si tu crois, si tu crois, si tu crois
En toi
Suis la lumière
N'éteins pas la flamme que tu portes
Au fond de toi souviens-toi
Que je crois, que je crois, que je crois
En toi


Someday I'll find you
Someday you'll find me too
And when I hold you close
I'll know that is true


Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe in you


Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

Glamorous by Fergie

(Are You Ready)


If you ain't got no money take yo'broke ass home
You say: If you ain't got no money take yo'broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S


[B-Section:]
We're flyin' first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' my life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


[Chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


[Verse:]
Wear them gold and diamonds rings
All them things don't mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the movie screens
Magazines and Poseur scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine
I'm no queen, I'm no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drive through, raw as hell
I don't care, I'm still real
No matter how many records I sell
After the show or after the Grammies
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang


And now I'm in...


[B-Section:]
First class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' my life
In the fast lane
And I won't change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


[Chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


[Ludacris:]
I'm talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams
You deserve nothing but all the finer things
Now this whole world has no clue what to do with us
I've got enough money in the bank for the two of us
Brother gotta keep enough lettuce
To support your shoe fetish
Lifestyles so rich and famous
Robin Leach will get jealous
Half a million for the stones
Taking trips from here to Rome
So If you ain't got no money take yo'broke ass home
G-G-L-L-A-A-M-M-O-O-R-R-O-O-U-U-S-S, yeah
G-G-L-L-A-A-M-M-O-O-R-R-O-O-U-U-S-S


[B-Section:]
We flyin' first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I won’t change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


[Chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


[Verse:]
I got problems up to here
I've got people in my ear
Telling me these crazy things
That I don't want to know
I got money in the bank
And I'd really like to thank
All the fans, I'd like to thank
Thank you really though
Cause I remember yesterday
When I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy tell me so
He let his daughter know.


(If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home)
My daddy told me so
(I said, If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home)
He let his daughter know
(If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home)
My daddy told me so
(If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home)
He let his daughter know

Pengamen

Ada seorang dekat yang pernah bilang,” Daripada ngamen, mending cari kerja!”
Spontan pertanyaan yang muncul di otak saya adalah: “Ngamen itu kerjaan bukan?”
>
Kalau definisi pengemis adalah orang yang minta-minta tanpa melakukan apa-apa, kenapa ada orang yang mengkategorikan pengamen sebagai pengemis?
Bukannya pengamen itu melakukan ‘sesuatu’ sebagai ganti dari uang yang diberikan penduduk-secara sukarela maupun tidak. Mungkin mereka (cuma) nyanyi-biarpun suara cempereng sampe bikin tikus ngacir, maen gitar-biarpun (cuma) genjreng-genjreng nyaring asal-asalan yang bisa bikin penduduk se-kecamatan sakit telinga, mukulin kecekan-biarpun ga ada nada dan bikin anjing tetangga menggonggong harmonis dengan iramanya....
Biarpun apa yang mereka lakukan mungkin ga sesuai sama keinginan yang ‘dimintain-duit’, apakah pengamen itu ngemis?


Orang luar negri (luar Indonesia) bilang: Mereka itu ‘Street Performer’,
Di dalam negri (Indonesia), mereka itu pengamen.
Makin rumit, makin digemari.
Yang sederhana, tidak dihargai.
>
Coba deh tonton pilem-pilem luar angkasa, eh luar negri, ada ga orang-orang yang nyanyi-nyanyi, nari-nari di tengah kota dalam keramaian untuk selanjutnya dimintain sumbangan sukarela setelah pertunjukan usai?
Tapi memang para ‘street performer’ ini harus diakui melakukan aksinya dengan lebih perlente...
Baju rapi mulus, peralatan mengkilap, dan kemampuan pun mungkin tidak umum ditemukan di setiap sudut gang.
Kalau kita artikan secara langsung, ‘street performer’ bisa diartikan ‘artis jalanan’.
Nah lo! Kalau pengamen=’street performer’, dan ‘street performer’=’artis jalanan’, berarti pengamen=’artis jalanan’, dong? (Bisa disejajarkan sama Rhoma Irama dan Chelsea Olivia ga?)


>
Apakah tidak sebaiknya pemerintah kita mencanangkan lokakarya pengayaan untuk para pengamen ataupun kalau bisa semua pengemis atau gelandangan? Sehingga mereka bisa melakukan pertunjukan yang lebih ber-‘kualitas’ dan lebih menarik perhatian penduduk serta menumbuhkan respek penduduk terhadap para ‘performer’ ini. (Lebih perlente, gitu?)
Lebih baik lagi kalau mereka bisa diberikan tempat khusus yang cukup strategis untuk menarik perhatian khalayak, agar mereka tidak perlu lagi merasa terancam dan takut dalam hal peluang dan jaminan mencari nafkah.


Biar sama-sama mencari nafkah,
Kenapa pengamen dinodai, pebisnis dihormati?
>
Semua orang punya hak untuk mencari nafkah, kan?
Hak untuk mengusahakan sesuatu demi ‘mencari sesuap nasi dan segenggam berlian’? (Frasa ini dipinjam dari percakapan kocak di suatu hari yang muram bersama seorang tokoh pendidik yang berarti banyak dalam hidup penulis – red.)
Tapi banyak pengamen yang lagi ‘ngedar’ lari tunggang-langgang keliling rukun warga (R.W.) gara-gara ditangkap basah lalu dikejar sama polisi yang ‘cuma menjalankan tugas’ dikarenakan oleh komplain warga yang merasa terganggu oleh aktivitas mereka. Sementara para pebisnis (direktur, manajer, pekerja-pekerja yang sudah mencapai puncak atau posisi yang cukup menjamin, dll.) yang tajir-borju pake setelan kerja Armani dan Prada, mengendarai Porsche atau Lamborghini selalunya disambut senyum-ramah-siap-sedia petugas-petugas jaga di balik pagar tinggi bangunan pencakar langit yang ‘bebas-pengamen’.
Jangan salah asumsi, saya tidak memiliki konflik ataupun dendam pribadi terhadap para pebisnis (Secara penulis ini juga hidup dari tangan para pebisnis – red.), tetapi pernahkah anda berikan sedikit ruang di waktu dan perhatian anda secuil saja mengenai kehidupan lain yang terjalani di belakang jeruji kenyamanan kita?


>
Terus terang saya tidak pernah banyak berpikir mengenai topik ini. Setiap ada pengamen yang lewat dan mampir di depan rumah saya, selalunya akan saya berikan subsidi seujung-kuku yang SERELANYA. Kalau lagi tidak rela, ya tidak memberi. Padahal berada diantara banyaknya orang yang tidak peduli dan tidak rela, jumlah subsidi per harinya mungkin tidak mencukupi walau cuma untuk beli indomi semangkok. Terima kasih terhadap seorang dekat yang melontarkan pernyataan tersebut di atas, terus terngiang-ngiang di benak saya terhadap pengalaman saya yang terbingung-bingung sepuluh keliling dengan pertanyaan yang muncul setelahnya.
Pada akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk menuangkan pemikiran saya di tulisan ini dengan tujuan mendapatkan pencerahan dari pembaca. (Maksudnya: tolong komennya... Hehehe....)


Catatan: Tulisan ini dibuat tidak sebagai sarana agar penulis terlihat baik dan suka menolong ataupun idealis, tidak juga dimaksudkan untuk mengakusisi atau menyerang pihak-pihak tertentu. Ini hanya merupakan sarana bagi penulis untuk menuangkan pemikiran yang tersimpan di benak dan berbagi pendapat dalam media yang (mudah-mudahan) tepat.




Cheers,
Lina.

...

I’m tired of this...
I’m really tired.
I don’t want to know all this
I just don’t want to know...
I’ve been running,
Running away and hide
But sometimes I just can’t
It’s all coming back to me
It’s true
The tears unseen
The wound unhealed
It’s haunting
Haunting until I can’t stand it,
I can’t bear it.
I just simply don’t want to know!
When it’s unbearable,
It’s just weakness, numb
Unconsciousness in the consciousness.
The tears that rolled,
Are maybe for nothing, but nothing...
Numb.


14 July 2008 13.45 p.m.
NUH Ward 12 Bed 13


PS. Thanks to the nurse ^^ (What is your ambition?)


Love,
Lina.