23 July 2010

To. A dear Closed-One.

In the beginning, I was looking for a pillar of support.


Then, you appeared.


I thought; that’s great! I’ll be just fine from now on.


In a sudden turn of events, I felt obliged to be your pillar of support.


Instead of leaning on you, I tried to let you lean on me.


Perhaps, I am not a strong enough of a pillar for you to lean on.
Perhaps, I am not a soft enough of a pillow for you to rest your confused little head on.
Perhaps, I am just not the right person that could help you find your happiness.
Or perhaps, I am not the one to give you that happiness you always long for.


Most of our conversations are tainted with the bickers I despise.


Getting you upset and frustrated, getting me upset and frustrated.


Sadness.


Anger.


Misery.


More than happiness, we have sorrow.


I got frustrated.


I did not and still do not know what to do, or how to act.


So, I was thinking, to end this depression on our mental beings, we should end this hopeless connection, shouldn’t we?




I am confused, torn apart.
I said I care, but I thought of leaving.
I do not want to cause you any more despair.
So, I should stick by, shouldn’t I?


Or, should I leave before this resentment goes too deep?




You do not believe me, or maybe you could not.
Times and times again I told you I care.


You still do not believe it.


No, I can not give you everything you want, or need.


I am sorry.
I am sorry that I have my limitations.
I am sorry that I can not do every single thing you want me to.
I am sorry that I feel sorry for that.
I am sorry that I become sad for that, and that I cried over it.
I am sorry that this emotional baggage of mine, burden you even more.
I am just so sorry.




I know sorry can not do anything.


But still, I am sorry.


I fully realised that even with my sorry, I would not change anything, would not mend anything.
I am just so sorry.




I hope you can make up your mind.
Please let me know if you still want, or even need, me here.
And please let me know if you don’t.


I can neither stand your sadness, nor your anguish.


I want to help, and I tried to.


But nothing seems to work.


Nothing seems to affect you.
Nothing, and nobody, seems to influence you, but you.


I seemed to be of no use, of no influence, of no worth.


At this rate, the very thing that I wanted to tell you was that only you can save yourself.
‘Cause I can’t.
‘Cause I can’t stand your sorrow.


It frustrates the hell out of me.


Crazily, I want to help you, to save you if I can.


But it seems that I’ll be the one that needs helping, or worse, saving.


So please, let me know what my role is in this connection, and how do you want me to act it out.




Let me know if you want to continue this connection, ‘cause I wouldn’t want to endure this sickening feelings any longer.






With Love,
Diminishing me - Lina.