18 November 2010

What’s the cure to loneliness?

I’m lying on my bed, alone.
Shaking, trembling, with the distinct coldness of the room.
Nobody seems to be reachable.
Nobody seems to be around.
Can a person die of feeling lonely?
Can I just die now?
This is painful.
Just pain.


Could somebody please reach me?
Reach me?
Please?
This is unbearable.
This is cold.


Selfish of me, I know.
Stupid of me, maybe.
I don’t know anymore.
I don’t want to know anymore.
I don’t want to understand anymore.


I’m shaking.
Trembling.
Lying on my bed, alone.
With no one in sight.
Just me and the coldness of the room.


Why now?
Why now?
Why?
When the warmth of others has subsided?
When the warmth of others’ affections has gone far away?
Why should I care about it now?
Why should I crave it now?
I can’t think anymore,
My head’s going to explode.


In pain,
Lina.
PS. Help.

27 October 2010

The Contradiction of The Heart.

I want somebody who is harmless to my heart.


Cause me no sadness, no grief, no tear.


No difficulty.



 But then, that means you are of no import to my heart, no?


No significance?



 Ah, how this world’s nuances confuse me.


 This world’s a big joker, no?


Playing with us and life, wrapped around its dainty little fingers…





With Love,
Lina.

This Life, is a confusion.

This life is tainted.
Mistakes
Failures
Sins


There were choices.
The choices we made.
The choices we didn’t make.


Do you ever wonder how life would be if you took different choices?
If.




Then future comes.
Is there anything we can do about it?
Is there anything we didn’t do about it?


Planning
Making promises
Dreaming




If we have a chance to start all over again; would you?
          Start again?
If we can redo all mistakes, alter all choices, clean up all sins; would you?
          Erase your life and trade it for a brand new one?


If you can draw the future; would you?
          Design your life without a single smudge?
If you can conceive the clean, white-sheet life; would you?
          Make it squeaky-clean?
          Make it ‘perfect’?






What is perfect?

With Love,
Lina.

21 October 2010

You and... What Am I?

I am quiet
Not at all the jovial type
Not at all the famous type


I am not in any clique
Not exceptionally smart
Not exceptionally funny
Not exceptionally rich


I keep to myself
          Do I?




You
Are like another dimension
From another faraway place


Not exactly jovial
But you certainly know how to light up the room


You work hard
And you certainly get what you deserve


You do not seem to belong to any clique
Not that they do not want you






This script is not for showing how sad my life is
Not for gathering sympathy either
Not for disclosing any underlying wish
Because I am happy where I am right now
Not going to trade it with anything else
It sure ain’t bed of roses
But I like it
Not exactly proud of what I have done
But that mold me into what I am now
And I do not think I want to change it with anything else
         
          Sounds like making conviction for myself, no?
          An oath of self-confidence?




This is just
          An observation.
         
          Would’ja believe it?






And you called.


With Love,
Lina.

15 September 2010

I Hope You Dance by Ronan Keating

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leaves you empty handed


I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


I hope you dance
I hope you dance


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making


Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


I hope you dance (time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (rolling us along)
I hope you dance (tell me who wants to look back on the years and wonder)
I hope you dance (where those years have gone)


I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


Dance (time is wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (rolling us along)
I hope you dance (tell me who wants to look back on the years and wonder)
I hope you dance (where those years have gone)


I hope you dance
I hope you're dancing
I hope you're dancing
I pray you're dancing
I hope you dance




> A version of this amazing song, by Lee Ann Womack, was once given to me by an amazing teacher of mine, touching me in a way she would never imagine.


>Now, shaking with tears, I would like to convey this to you.
I'm sorry for the past that hurt you,
I'm sorry that I couldn't straighten it out.
I hope you would find it in your heart to understand.
I hope you would find it in your heart to let me stand beside you.
Even when we don't see each other, I hope you would never doubt my love, my friendship.
Even when you are not with me, I wish for your happiness.
I hope you stay strong, never give up and reach for your happiness.
I wish you well, I wish you all the best.


Love,
Lina.

07 September 2010

How do you define love?

For me;
Love is universal.
You give it to your family, your friends, and others.

A Mere Infant, thirsty of attention.

I am a little baby now.


Ignorant and silly.


Looking for the warmth of its mother, and the protection of its father.


Looking for home,
where it can rest its soul,
and just wipe away tears of uncertainties.




Love,
Lina.

What Should I Do?

You accused me of something I did not do!


What did I say?
What did I write?


I have no idea what you are referring to.


Would you let me explain?
It might be some silly books, or some silly songs...


Is that what you really think of me?
After all these years?


Maybe you're better off without me..
And maybe I am better off without you...


But to know that that is how you see me?
It's paralysing.


It really is.


But what hurt most is that you didn't even give me the benefit of doubt.
You didn't ask.
You didn't let me explain.


And, is that how you see me?
You don't think highly  of me, I know.
You never appreciate my opinions, I can see that.


You approached me when you need to use me.
I can feel that you were using me.
I felt that, a lot.


And now I am trash?


It hurts, a lot.


Now, I just want to sleep, forget all this, and never wake up anymore.


As dramatic or exagerating as it sounds, that's how I really feel.




Lost,
Lina.

The troubling one; Love.

I am just the third party; looking from the outside.


It never happen to me before, not that I want it to, considering what has befallen onto others.


I might not like it.
I might not know how it feels like.
I might not want it.


And you might scoff upon me because of that.
Look down upon me because of that.
Ignore me, belittle me because of that.


Me, the ignorant one.
The stupid one.
The ugly one.
The one to be jeered upon.
The one to be mocked upon.


Is it my fault that I scoff upon it?
Is it my fault that I don't like it?


It hurts.
It is painful.
so now, what should I do?






Sad,
Lina.

I never expected this to happen.

Never.
I am so devastated, it's paralysing.
I want to close my eyes, and never have to wake up anymore.
It's just my weak self, just me.




unsure,
lina.

02 September 2010

Alive And Kickin'

The wound is there. It might get painful from time to time, and I might lick it every now and then, but I'll be fine. I'll be just fine.

Stayin' Strong,
Lina.

A Poem from A Devastated Father.

À Villequier

Hélas ! vers le passé tournant un oeil d'envie,

Sans que rien ici-bas puisse m'en consoler,

Je regarde toujours ce moment de ma vie

Où je l'ai vue ouvrir son aile et s'envoler !



Je verrai cet instant jusqu'à ce que je meure,

L'instant, pleurs superflus !

Où je criai : L'enfant que j'avais tout à l'heure,

Quoi donc ! je ne l'ai plus !


*
Alas! turning an envious eye towards the past,

unconsolable by anything on earth,

I keep looking at that moment of my life

when I saw her open her wings and fly away!



I will see that instant until I die,

that instant—too much for tears!

when I cried out: "The child that I had just now--

what! I don't have her any more!"



- Victor-Marie Hugo (26 February 1802 – 22 May 1885), on losing his daughter; Léopoldine who died in 1843 -
 
 
Condolences,
Lina.

Living Life

UNLEASH YOUR POTENTIAL

Unless you flap your wings,
you will never know how high you can fly.


With Love,
Lina.

Living Life

Shoot for the moon.
Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.


With Love,
Lina.

01 September 2010

Living Life

It's always tempting to believe that people have changed for the better.
But we are frequently disappointed a second or third time.

Do protect your heart.

With Love,
Lina.

Living Life

     
After all,
Tomorrow is another day.

Best Regards,
Lina.

Living Life


You're going out a youngster,
but you've got to come back A STAR.


With Love,
Lina.

Living Life

CARPE DIEM

Seize the day;
Make your life extraordinary.


With Love,
Lina.

Tea

A little food for thoughts:

Drinking tea is like drinking wine;
You pair it with your food,
or with your mood.

Cheers,
Lina.

06 August 2010

Book Addiction??

I have a book addiction.
I am not sure yet if that is an entirely good thing.


Most of the books I read, could be categorised into romance,
          With happy endings.


After having read one, I could not help myself but wanting more.
          More,
                    More,
                              More,
                              And more.


I was almost out of my mind,
          Wanting to read more and more.
Wanting to grab a hold onto another book.
          Wanting,
                    Immensely,
                    Intensely.


Then it dawned on me.
          Is this an addiction?
                    Am I goin’ crazy?
These urges are crazy!
Wanting to break free of anything and everything just to read a book?!


Da*n, man!
I really am goin’ crazy!



LotsOfLove,
Lina.

27 July 2010

One-Sided Friendships.

It is kind of no fun to be around you when you sulk.
Is it me the one without consideration?
Or is it you who think it is just not worth it to be happy around me?
*defeated, dejected sigh*


I feel that we are getting further away.
Is it my fault?
Is it your fault?
It was the defensive-me talking.
But don’t I have the right to be?
Defensive?


You are getting your way.
I wanted and still want to get my way.
Which should we choose?
It was the selfish-me talking.
But don’t I have the right to be?
Selfish?


I am confused.
I am horrified that it will end this fragile friendship.


There are things that we do not agree on, yes.
But that does not mean we have to go on our separate ways, right?


I am scared, terrified.
I mean, should I be?


I might not like the things you do.
You might not like the things I do.
But you are the go-to person when I need lifting up.
And I am your go-to person when you need lifting up.
Or is it just me who think that way?
Is it just a false hope of mine?
I sure hope not.


Please don’t leave me.
As much as I hate saying it, please don’t leave me.


I don’t want to be left alone anymore.
Maybe that’s my Damocles’ sword, or Achilles’ heel, or whatever.
Maybe that is why I was always groveling on your feet.
Or maybe because I was groveling so you came to me to be my ‘master’?


It hurts, knowing that you don’t treasure it as much as I do.
Knowing that you can throw me away at a moment’s fit.
Knowing that you don’t need me as much as I do you.
Knowing that you don’t appreciate me as much as I do you.
Knowing that you don’t care about me as much as I do you.
Knowing that you’ll be just fine without me, where I’ll crumble without you.


I hate it.


Giving in,
Herlina.

26 July 2010

Scary Dreams.

I have been yearning for love, to cure this loneliness.
The bittersweet moments of waiting, hurt.
So much so that I have gone numb.
Oblivious to the constant pain, the unheard nagging ache.
There were dreams that have gotten close, too close, that I was afraid.
Endlessly running away, looking for a tiny little chance of escaping.
Escaping the pain, the betrayal, the reawakening of the haunting past.
Ghastly past that I am scared of.
Terrified of.
Reality shook me up, woke me up, who was shaking with fear.

Then it dawned on me; when you got no love, you can’t get betrayed.

I want to enfold myself in a cocoon, so strong that nothing can break in, or break out.
But all I can muster is a thin, fragile eggshell.
Cracked and broken countless times.
With frail tears my hands trembled, gluing back the sheer shells piece by piece, little by little.

When will I ever be free?
Free from the undesired alarm that jerk me away from familiarity.
Free of the haunting terror that yank my heart away from intimacy.

Somebody, hear my craving of help…
Tear all chain of anxiety.
Get me free.
So that I can wrap myself in the sweet sheer strings of love.

Shackle me up to the binding love of yours.



Lina.

23 July 2010

To. A dear Closed-One.

In the beginning, I was looking for a pillar of support.


Then, you appeared.


I thought; that’s great! I’ll be just fine from now on.


In a sudden turn of events, I felt obliged to be your pillar of support.


Instead of leaning on you, I tried to let you lean on me.


Perhaps, I am not a strong enough of a pillar for you to lean on.
Perhaps, I am not a soft enough of a pillow for you to rest your confused little head on.
Perhaps, I am just not the right person that could help you find your happiness.
Or perhaps, I am not the one to give you that happiness you always long for.


Most of our conversations are tainted with the bickers I despise.


Getting you upset and frustrated, getting me upset and frustrated.


Sadness.


Anger.


Misery.


More than happiness, we have sorrow.


I got frustrated.


I did not and still do not know what to do, or how to act.


So, I was thinking, to end this depression on our mental beings, we should end this hopeless connection, shouldn’t we?




I am confused, torn apart.
I said I care, but I thought of leaving.
I do not want to cause you any more despair.
So, I should stick by, shouldn’t I?


Or, should I leave before this resentment goes too deep?




You do not believe me, or maybe you could not.
Times and times again I told you I care.


You still do not believe it.


No, I can not give you everything you want, or need.


I am sorry.
I am sorry that I have my limitations.
I am sorry that I can not do every single thing you want me to.
I am sorry that I feel sorry for that.
I am sorry that I become sad for that, and that I cried over it.
I am sorry that this emotional baggage of mine, burden you even more.
I am just so sorry.




I know sorry can not do anything.


But still, I am sorry.


I fully realised that even with my sorry, I would not change anything, would not mend anything.
I am just so sorry.




I hope you can make up your mind.
Please let me know if you still want, or even need, me here.
And please let me know if you don’t.


I can neither stand your sadness, nor your anguish.


I want to help, and I tried to.


But nothing seems to work.


Nothing seems to affect you.
Nothing, and nobody, seems to influence you, but you.


I seemed to be of no use, of no influence, of no worth.


At this rate, the very thing that I wanted to tell you was that only you can save yourself.
‘Cause I can’t.
‘Cause I can’t stand your sorrow.


It frustrates the hell out of me.


Crazily, I want to help you, to save you if I can.


But it seems that I’ll be the one that needs helping, or worse, saving.


So please, let me know what my role is in this connection, and how do you want me to act it out.




Let me know if you want to continue this connection, ‘cause I wouldn’t want to endure this sickening feelings any longer.






With Love,
Diminishing me - Lina.

11 July 2010

Jeritan Hati

Ku cari kesenangan terlarang

Di tengah dunia yang terbatas

Ku minum kabut dalam kesedihan

Ku teguk matahari dalam keremangan

Ku telan panas dalam kesilauan

Ku tarikan cinta dalam kesendirian

Kata-kata manis dari hati yang terasa pahit

Ketenangan dari gejolak

Dari keliaran muncul pengertian

Dari dinamika masa depan, muncul masa lalu yang sederhana dan nrimo

Hati yang tersakiti karena ketulusan

Tergores oleh belati rasa bersalah

Bolehkah meraih penguluran pengampunan?

Dunia ini yang terbelenggu rantai kemunafikan.



Dengan penuh cinta,
Lina.

07 July 2010

How do you define friendship?

I was hurt, by some, who took my affection in friendship as granted.

It was painful, difficult to admit, and even harder to discuss.

It happened for as long as I can remember.

Among those in the ‘circle’, I’m a ‘nobody’. No attachment whatsoever.

But still, silly me, tagging along wherever they went.

Even when they went hush-hush on me or chatting merrily about things that I know nothing about, I would be there, sitting or standing, smiling like an idiot.

I wondered if they realise that I was hurt, feeling out of the ‘circle’.

Oh well, I don’t think they ever did.

Then again, I was the go-to person to ask for help.

Accommodation, vehicle, money, studies, listening ear, protection, mistake-covering, you name it, I did it.

Things that might seem outrageous to be asked, even for my standard now, I was asked.

But hey, “we let you tag along with us, so these little things are fine, right? Wouldn’t hurt you, anyway.”

For the security of friendship, I did what they asked.

Fighting with my parents because of the ‘extravagant’ demands that I have to keep up with, became a daily routine.

I felt shame, anguish, desperation.

It’s a circle I couldn’t get out of.

A maddening, tormenting one.

I wonder if it’s a curse, haunting me wherever I go.

I still feel the urge to run under the cover of the security of friendship.

I still am used.

I still feel hurt.

Even the ol’ scars ache time and again.

And the new wounds appear day by day, fresh.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that friendship is a 2-way, or more, communication.

I’m fine with giving.

But there are times, when I want to be the one taking, to be the one who is selfish.

Yet, most of the time, I couldn’t say it.

I feel that it is somewhat expected of me, to be at the providing end.

There were awkward moments when I didn’t want to be, but couldn’t gather the courage to say no.

Lies, over lies, over lies, to spare me the heartache of doing something I don’t want to, to put a stop to saying something I’ve been meaning to say, but couldn’t.

I’ve been wondering on how or when I should put a stop to this circle, without sacrificing the ‘friendship’.

It’s been a tiring life.

Sure, there are moments where I was grateful to have their companionship, to have laughter brought to me and uneasiness taken away.

Having said that, do the sacrifices worth the reward, or vice versa?


With Love,
Lina.

13 May 2010

I Think My Parents Know How Wild I Could Be.

• In a particular occasion during a holiday trip to Bali, Dad playfully asked us to go in a club...
We went in,
> I was nonchalant,
> Mom was anxious,
> Bro was indifferent.
A waiter asked for orders,
> Mom and Bro straight away said: Orange juice.
> Father was not so fast on choosing…
> I…, was looking around, then with a bored face said: Do you have Lychee Martini – shaken, not stirred?
(I could have sworn I was desperately holding back my laughter looking at my parents face; eyes were almost popped from their face!)
> Dad abruptly said: ok, but we share!
> Me: ok, dad, no problem, no problem at all…
(It is so cute how Dad wanted to ‘keep my daughter safe’ and ‘let her taste the world’, so to speak, at the same time.)
I think Mom was so shock that she kind of froze while I was enjoying the beat, on my seat – mind you, and sipping the martini…
> Both of them ‘advised’ me not to go to ‘such’ place without them…
> Me: Yeah, Mom, Dad, sure thing! (:p)


• Another holiday trip, another bar.
At Jogja, just a hotel bar… *evil grin*
After watching Ratatouille Movie with Bro at the hotel’s home theatre (Yes, they have a home theatre set! How cool is that!), we joined our parents at the hotel’s bar.
> Dad ordered (surprised, surprised!!), TEA! A plain, old, traditional Javanese TEA! Not that tea’s no good; I myself a big, huge, fan of tea, but c’mon, this is a drinking, indulging time! And you drink TEA?! Oh, c’mon!!
> Mom got me even more surprised than ever, ordered herself a good dose of coconut water with some kind of concoction, plus RUM! Oh, good ol’ Mom! Drinkin’ RUM?! Now this, I got to witness!
> Bro got himself a vanilla milkshake and huge waffle with ice-cream…
> Me, the adventurer of the night, got myself a tall, slim glass of Bloody Mary… (Oh, what a night!)
I did not finish my Mary, though, but I finished Mom’s rum (which she drank only a lil’ bit)! It was nice and sweet, just like Mom… (:p)


• I think they are aware of how wild their child, or any other person in the family, for that matter, could be.


• Sometimes I really am baffled on those parents who, despite the unforeseeable and highly versatile circumstances their children are in, still believe that the kids are still a good, naïve baby girl/boy.
> Puhlease! Open your eyes, people! A good, nice, sweet appearance is nothing!
You would not know them on your back if they do not want you to.
There are, certain advantages, where it might only be granted with a positive image, y’know…


• PS. Mom, Dad, I show you the ‘worldly’ me, because I want you to know that I can handle and take care of myself, and my drink… (:p)
All those drunk and sick moments? Whom else I dare to do if that with if not you guys? Because I know you will take care of me…
Because I know, I am safe with you… (^^)
With other people? I would not dare get drunk, I will be timid, or even more so when hanging out with my friends to the uncharted territory, for the lack of a better word…


LotsOfLove,
Lina.

To. My dear friend; O.S.

Old pal, I am sorry…


I was afraid.


Meeting you and your family was a huge step for me.


Via internet is one thing, but I draw the line on meeting ‘off-line’.


I am sorry; I backed-out on our friendship. I have no excuse whatsoever.


I was afraid.


I did not want to be the third party, even though I knew it was ridiculous and impossible.


But please understand that I did not want what happened to me, happened to your family.


It was a huge blow for me, as it would be for anybody else, including your family.


And I am such an awkward person; I did not know how to face you, or your family, in person.


Online, I can freely pour what I want to say, but I am such a goof when it comes to real face-to-face communication.


Those are not excuses though, especially when your family knew and agreed to meet me.


I think she is such a great person, and God bless you with her. ^^


I hope you are alright, pal…


I just recently thinking of blogging again and I saw your blog…


Sorry, I remember how hard it was for you, and I, inconsiderately, backed-out from our friendship.


Sorry.



Sincerely,
Lina.