07 July 2010

How do you define friendship?

I was hurt, by some, who took my affection in friendship as granted.

It was painful, difficult to admit, and even harder to discuss.

It happened for as long as I can remember.

Among those in the ‘circle’, I’m a ‘nobody’. No attachment whatsoever.

But still, silly me, tagging along wherever they went.

Even when they went hush-hush on me or chatting merrily about things that I know nothing about, I would be there, sitting or standing, smiling like an idiot.

I wondered if they realise that I was hurt, feeling out of the ‘circle’.

Oh well, I don’t think they ever did.

Then again, I was the go-to person to ask for help.

Accommodation, vehicle, money, studies, listening ear, protection, mistake-covering, you name it, I did it.

Things that might seem outrageous to be asked, even for my standard now, I was asked.

But hey, “we let you tag along with us, so these little things are fine, right? Wouldn’t hurt you, anyway.”

For the security of friendship, I did what they asked.

Fighting with my parents because of the ‘extravagant’ demands that I have to keep up with, became a daily routine.

I felt shame, anguish, desperation.

It’s a circle I couldn’t get out of.

A maddening, tormenting one.

I wonder if it’s a curse, haunting me wherever I go.

I still feel the urge to run under the cover of the security of friendship.

I still am used.

I still feel hurt.

Even the ol’ scars ache time and again.

And the new wounds appear day by day, fresh.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that friendship is a 2-way, or more, communication.

I’m fine with giving.

But there are times, when I want to be the one taking, to be the one who is selfish.

Yet, most of the time, I couldn’t say it.

I feel that it is somewhat expected of me, to be at the providing end.

There were awkward moments when I didn’t want to be, but couldn’t gather the courage to say no.

Lies, over lies, over lies, to spare me the heartache of doing something I don’t want to, to put a stop to saying something I’ve been meaning to say, but couldn’t.

I’ve been wondering on how or when I should put a stop to this circle, without sacrificing the ‘friendship’.

It’s been a tiring life.

Sure, there are moments where I was grateful to have their companionship, to have laughter brought to me and uneasiness taken away.

Having said that, do the sacrifices worth the reward, or vice versa?


With Love,
Lina.

5 comments:

  1. Hello there,

    This is a question for the webmaster/admin here at myonlylife-reflected.blogspot.com.

    May I use some of the information from your post right above if I provide a backlink back to this site?

    Thanks,
    Peter

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi,

    Thanks for sharing this link - but unfortunately it seems to be not working? Does anybody here at myonlylife-reflected.blogspot.com have a mirror or another source?


    Thanks,
    Alex

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Peter,

    May I know what kind of information you need?

    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi - I am certainly happy to find this. great job!

    ReplyDelete