27 December 2011

New Year(s), New Me?

It's almost new year, and also Chinese new year.


Most people are thinking to stay beautiful after all the festivities;
          I'm thinking to get beautiful by then.


Such is when you have an over-anxious temperament.
*sigh*




Love,
Lina.

Grief


Be wary;

It is creeping,
     Crawling low in the dark,
     Ready to enveloped the heart, 
          When vulnerability lurks,
          When tiredness peeks…

Once you fall, there's no turning back.

Oh yes, 
You might be able to make peace, and manage it,
But, 
          Never be rid of it.



Love,
Lina.

The Trap I Should Know Better


I should have known better than to let myself be overcome with emotion;
How could one take a break from one’s heart?
How could one keep regret at bay?
How could one refuse grief?


Love,
Lina.

20 December 2011

Denial.

Denial,
is a way of saying that it is too painful to acknowledge that there is a problem,
And an acknowledgement means that something has to change,
And change could be very difficult.


Love,
Lina.

A Child's Love.

"Kasih anak sepanjang galah"
(Roughly translated: The children's love is only as long as the pole.)


People often say how parents love their children unconditionally and endlessly;
          Have anybody ever think that the children might love the parents in the same way?


I grant that not everybody has that strong a feeling,
And thus giving the impression that there is no such thing as children's love,
Or that we, as children, love our parents because we need them.


My point is;
Can't we love our parents just because we love them, just because?


And then they have to say we can not,
          So we can not.
Ha ha. Very funny.


Whatever happens to 'watch your mouth' and 'ucapan itu adalah doa' (Roughly translated: Speech is a prayer) ?






Longing,
Lina.

The Big Question of Them Or Me.

Why does it hurt so much being misunderstood?
          Being treating as blitherin' idiot?
          By the people whom you thought would know better?




Or is it the way God, or whoever The Greater Being out there, to show me that I still have feelings,
          When I was convinced otherwise for a long time?


Well, You are doing a good, no, great job of it;
          I'm friggin' convinced.




Love,
Lina.

The Up and Down in Our Tumultuous Relationship

I might never be good enough for some people,
          Even my loved ones,
          But that would not stop me from telling you I care, my love...


When the times get so trying and frustrating,
          I might leave for awhile to regroup,
          But that would not stop me from knowing you care, my love...


When we are bringing out the worst in one another's,
          I might think I have never felt so miserable in my life,
          But that would not stop me from making us our cups of tea, my love...




Because we are we;
          Human beings,
          With our shortcomings,
          And of course, our layers of complexity.


So,
          Let's keep on loving...






With Love,
     Lina.

The Absence of Communication in My Relationships With Others

I was told that I did not contact others unless I need them.


Here is my answer to that:
          I think that waiting to pour my heart out to you when we meet again would make our connection so much more wonderful, so much more meaningful.




Love,
Lina.

Where Do You Draw The Line On Sharing?

Have you ever had something so valuable you do not want to let anybody knows?

I am not talking about money, or jewellery, or anything like that...

But,
          A certain someone, a certain feeling, a certain story?

Or does it have to be share and share alike?


Love,
Lina.

Never-ending Issue With Love.

Do you believe in marriage of convenience?
          Or, according to the current term; practicality?

What about 'love can be nurtured'?
          What if you find someone, in whom your love is 'natured'?
          Would you then leave your partner?

Is it love's fault?

Or is it us, humans, who are being too arrogant by doing the dictation in love?



Love,
Lina.

The Secret Affair With Food.

What happened before that guilt after eating?
          Fullness, extreme fullness of life.

Food, as a way of coping with life?
          Non, niet, nicht, NO!


Love,
Lina.

The Option of Life.

When crying is perceived as weakness;
what are we to do when violence does not even classify,
does not even make the cut for the tumultuous heart,
as an option?


Love,
Lina.

It Really Starts From The Heart.

In the few months when I started to put my foot down on my principles,
I noticed that I can feel more stability in my mental-self,
and when I’m mentally stronger I feel more tendencies on generousity.


Well,
What d’ya know?
By taking care of myself and taking stand in what I believe in (without having to force my belief upon others),
I’m growing my heart up.


And, nothing beats your inner joy.



Love,
Lina.

07 November 2011

Living Life

Health
is a state of complete
physical, mental and social wellbeing,
and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

World Health Organisation

Living Life

When you arise in the morning,
think of what a precious privilege it is
to be alive,
to breathe,
to think,
to enjoy,
to love.

Living Life

If you are not actively involved in getting what you want;

You do not really want it.

Living Life

It is your world.
You are a shareholder;
Take an active interest in it.

06 November 2011

This Course Of Life

Much as I loathe it;
          There is only so much I can do for you.
          There is only so much this dependent immature is capable of...

So,
What little I can hear; Share it.
What little I can see; Show it.

Because in my limitation;
          These little things are the only I can do.

So,
I am keeping myself healthy;
          So that I can be on my tip-top condition, not only mentally but also physically -- and I hope you would, too, because ''di dalam tubuh yang sehat, terdapat jiwa yang kuat'', no?
(''In a healthy body is a strong soul'')


I am already embarking on the journey to a better health for body and soul -- of course, there are lapses along the way; taking supplements, reducing food intake, getting more active brain and body a little bit by bit, and also getting enough sleep regularly (because bit by bit of 'paying up' just does not cut it for me).

Hopefully I can present myself to you at my very best,
          Especially because you know my worst, seen me as I am and are encouraging me to be better,
          So that I can, at least, reciprocate and give you my support now that I am stronger than I was.

Like how you encouraged me to do the right thing and be stronger,
          I wish to be able to together guide each other in this course of life in our journey to each be a better person and spread this love to the world.



Love,
Lina.



05 November 2011

En Route To Be A Healthier Individual

I have discovered again and again, than I have little, or no, restraint.

I hate myself.

It's tearing me apart that pride gets in the way and I have no way throwing pride to the gutter.

It's like betraying my resolve, betraying myself.


Craving for more self-esteem,
Lina.

31 August 2011

The Other Truth

What a hit upon the head, to be told that all those kindness and understanding were granted upon me to spoil me.
          Especially when, all this time, I thought you really understand.

What a slap on the face, to have you laid out all your expectation, without really asking what I want.
          Or maybe you did, in a passing.
          Or maybe, giving you the benefit of doubt, I didn't hear it.

What a kick to the stomach, to know that you think I am "strong".
          Have you ever look deeper?
          Or even try to?
          Delve inside my soul, mind and heart??

I was in total disbelief.
You could not imagine, how tempted I was, to blurt out what I felt; what was happening to me.

I have relapsed.
With this raging anger and constant foul mood, what I can expect?
         
How would you react, I wonder?
Would you kill me then? Or maybe now?


Loving you,
And hating you,
Lina.

What A Demeaning Situation.

One man's junk is another man's treasure.


But an act of charity was seen as a waste of resources.
          Just thinking about it makes my heart boils.


I did not, do not and will not donate my things just because I feel no more need of them, or because I can not take care of them anymore.
          The mere thought of it; HOW REPULSIVE!
          And to think, that the person I hold high and dear to my heart thinks that way; I am at total loss.

Never again, I hope, I make a mistake of talking.
          Never again, like you said, wasting your money; I'll just swim off the ocean, and you can save the money for my wake.
          A gruesome and rash thought, I know. Hopefully you understand that I need to vent this anger before I combust.
          But never think that this is just a one-off saying from a spoiled-brat.

With Love,
Lina.

19 July 2011

Let's Make A Resolution!

Let's save on food / eat healthily,
so that all those money saved can be used to buy all those nice things you desire!
Namely bags, clutches, accessories and clothes!
And all other expensive things!
          Ah, my materialistic self...

With Love,
And Lots of Luck,
Lina.

26 June 2011

Impending Loneliness and The Past.

If that is what will become of me,
I'll live.


This paralysing feeling,
you should know better.


This churning pain,
would you know?


You have such power over me,
I believe you understand?


It is a survival day by day,
waiting if you'll discard me like an old rag...
I believe you know why.


I will hold my head up high,
'til you be proud of me,
until the time comes when we rejoin, and rejoice.


I am not the kind to start,
I hope you understand why.


But I'll be here.


I'll be here.




With Love,
Lina.

13 June 2011

I Don't Want It To Become This Way. Not Now, Not Ever.

Revenge would have no end, would it?

          Nope.

That's what I'm afraid of.
          I hope it's not gonna happen...

Peace, were never an option. - E.S.

My Crumbling Self.

I'm scared.

This is not what I want to be.

Gorging on food when I don't want to.

And despising my own self afterward.

Wanting to vomit it out,
wanting to throw it all out.

Like whomever in this world who has bulimia...
          Aren't they lucky?

I hate myself.
I really hate myself.

This facade of a good girl and all,
          I really want to tear it all apart...

I ain't a good girl...
I'm just real selfish, real conceited, real stupid, real foolish....

The stubborness, the selfishness,
know no bound...

If you can get into my head,
          you'd be appalled.

I don't want to pretend like I don't care anymore,
like I don't give a damn anymore...

Why can't I be like them, whom can freely express how they feel and what they want?
          What they want to be?
          What they want to achieve?

Why didn't I?
          Why DON'T I?

No...
I know why...

It's this pride,
this high-and-mighty pride.

I can't say it...
I can't admit it...
that I think I'm unwanted.
that I think I'm not loved.
that I think I'm worthless.

          This is getting sickening, girl. You're real sick. Disgusting.

          Shame on you.

          Oh, and did I tell ya that it's a shame being with 'cha? Good bye, and good riddance.



Even in the end I couldn't say anything...

We're hurt, ain't we?

You hurt me.

I hurt you.

Where can we bring this relationship to?


Love,
Lina.

11 June 2011

Shame

I will always ask;
                What is wrong with me?
                What is lacking in me?

I do not feel different,
                But I do not feel the same either.

Wishy-washy, aren’t cha, girl?

Foolishly trying to find happiness in others’ ways
                While realising that it can not be found anywhere else but inside.

Impulsively trying to keep up with others’ life
                While knowing that it is not worth doing when I can not accept mine.

Heedlessly yearning for love
                When I can not love me.

If ya have time to complain, why don’t ya do yer chores?!
 

With Love,
Lina.

06 May 2011

Confession.

I'm surrounded by beautiful people.

self-esteem never got up to a new level.
And I'm hating myself for saying it.

26 March 2011

The Past.

I could never remember
why or when,
I lose the ability to smile with abandon
and to act and think without reserve.

And saying "what if" now, wouldn't exactly help.


Moving on,
Lina.

21 March 2011

Bootcamp – Pulling Out

I pulled out.
Yes, folks; those high-spirited, convincing, solid words my big mouth spouted away recklessly had just slapped me back on the face.
There were examinations, illness and hectic schedule.
Not an excuse, I know.
            Should’ve toughen up and persisted, shouldn’t I?

I’d better pull myself together again quickly, and get started on a new regime; healthier me.
Wish me luck! (^^)

With Love,
Lina.

19 February 2011

18 February 2011

A Selfish List.

I want somebody to lean on;
Somebody who would hear me out,
Somebody who would calm me down,
          and rev me up,
Somebody who would understand when I want to stay quiet and just snuggle,
          or stay noisy and hyped up,
Somebody who would understand if I want to go out all day,
          or stay in all day,
Somebody who doesn't mind the serene rain,
          or the tranquil lounge,
          or the noisy bar,
          or the deafening club,
Somebody who could see how wonderful it is to be with my family and friends,
          yet would not mind to only be with me,
Somebody who would understand the enjoyment I relish from being in the crowd,
          or the calmness that I need from being alone,
Somebody who would protect me,
          yet understand when to let me roam.
Somebody who would support and believe me,
          yet understand when to stop my unleashing,
Somebody who understand this bitterness I have,
          and yet able to turn me to see the bright side of optimism,
Somebody,
          who would just love me,
                    in spite of every flaw,
                    in spite of every fear,
                    in spite of every lacking that I have,
Somebody,
          who would just love me the way I am.

Why would I show anybody who does not want me in my worst, my best?

I can't promise anything but me;
          No money,
          No nothin',
          Just me.


This long list is selfish.
          Nobody is perfect, yea?


This is not something that I could appease by myself anymore.



In yearning,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 5

I missed it.
Missed one opportunity to make my life feels better.


Well, everything happens for a reason.
And I think I understand why things happened this time;

to remind me of my own mortality,
to not take things for granted,
to live more,
and to love more.




With Love,
Lina.

14 February 2011

Bootcamp - Day 4

I felt bad.
I knew; I was cranky.
I was and am sorry…
Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the slight fever…

Sir, I was glad you complimented me; that I did better than before.
I wanted to smile and say thank you graciously.
But I could not… It’s complicated.
I did not feel that I did good enough to earn that compliment.
I should not think that way, I knew.
It is hard for me to accept kindness. I am sorry.
I knew you meant well and that you wanted to cheer me up.
I am sorry I reacted that way and did not thank you properly.
I should break this mechanism. Please give me more time.

And you know what, even when I still hate the exercises - the torture, the panting and sweating and the mosquitoes, I like the gathering, the support all of us gave to one another, the light chit-chat, the laughter and camaraderie. I really like it, even love it. It really touched my heart.

It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I think about the sincere support the other participants gave me. I really, really want to thank you all, for everything. I am not the easiest person to be with, but you guys were really patient with me. I hope one day I can give all of you the kindness you gave to me, the support, the laughter and the solidarity.

Some participants could not turn up for one reason or another, and in the middle of painfully doing the sets, I thought; why am I here? Why don’t I just pull out? It is not as if I could not just leave…
But no, even when I think about it, I know I will come, that I would not quit it, and that I would not leave.
It became not just me anymore, but the lovely people around me. I love you guys, please do not doubt that.
 Love you.

This reflection has turn quite psychological, my apologies. I just could not help it. *grin*

Anyway, I am going to have a backache tomorrow, and stomachache, too. I can already feel the muscles contracting… (-_-‘’)

Ugh, stomach cramp. (-_-‘’)
                                                                                                               
With Love,
Lina.

Good Food

Food is good
not only if it tastes good,
but also when it leaves a bit of lingering after-taste.


ForeverTheCritic,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 3

Before the training:
Before I knew it, the day 3 of the boot camp came in blink of my eyes.

During the training:
I was back to square one – worst performance in the boot camp, and what made it so bad is that I felt worst! I was so ashamed of myself! (TT)
I still had not found a liking to these activities and I still could not break free from liking my comfort zone and familiarity. Mr. P was patient, I s’pose… And the other participants were kind and supportive. I felt kind of embarrassed from time to time, like when they cheered me up and I could finish a set nicely. Though I think it would be good to allow myself a bit surge of pride and the feeling of success. Just a bit… (XP)
They all were just simply kind.

A bit of thoughts:
This time, would I let myself be or feel supported by others, namely the other participants? Or will I get cowardly like I usually do and shove aside their kindness?

After the training:
Sleep was heavenly; I could not get enough of it, and I could not get up on time! *high-level panic*
And my body ached all over, ALL over.

The ugly stuff:
Ah, Sunday finally came.
My body ached deliciously and I could not move much.
After waking up early in the morning, I thought I would give myself a few treat; a chicken burger. A deep-fried chicken burger.
I know I should not have done that, but I could not resist! (>.<)
After that I met my relatives for breakfast. Yes, you heard me right; breakfast, of noodles and meat and mushrooms and iced tea. But then, noodles? After that burger? No, no, no, no, NO! So, I resolved in having the rice cake.
Not much different, I know.
And let’s have warm tea instead of the iced one to warm up these tense muscles.

What it would be for lunch, I wondered. But I knew what it is for dinner; a plate-full of my hometown’s fishcake! YUM! (XP)
Oh well, let’s had Sunday as the indulgence day!
*NOOOOOOOOOO……..*

PS. Sorry folks, I’d do better next time.
Ah, I forgot to eat the fruits!

Update:
Psst, I found out that I would feel good feeling the ache; it means I have worked out hard! And every work out is appreciated! (>.<)

Love,
Lina.

13 February 2011

Bootcamp - Day 2

Training is still a not-so-pleasant affair, to say the least. (-_-‘’)

People said I was doing much better this time; YEAY to me! (XP)
But hopefully I would do much better later on. After all, it is a good feeling to actually able to go through the whole session and still end up in one piece. *grin*

Discoveries:
More endorphin makes you feel reckless!
And laughter bubbled up my chest more often! (XD)

Some thoughts on it:
1. Did I really do better than the previous session?
2. If yes, was it better because I do not want to lose to the others? But I was still left out in lots of stuffs, still doing bad in most of the session. Hmmm… *thinking*
3. Or, was it because I really got fitter? Even after just one session? *thinking harder* Hopefully so… *can’t stop smiling silly*
(XDDD)

Ø  Still feel happy just by thinking about it… *still can’t stop smiling silly* (XD)

Love,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 1

I needed a starting point for my new exercising regime, so when this magazine contacted me to join their organized boot camp, I immediately responded; YES! This is NOW or NEVER!
Yes, it was THAT bad.

I arrived at the venue of the boot camp excitedly by cab; first guilty confession, when I could use the public transport and a bit of… walking *grimaced*. It was a sort of park, or small field on a hill (Nuff’ said.).
I went to this park once, during a school field trip and I remembered telling myself that I am not going to come back. I meant; whatever for? I was not outdoorsy enough to explore the vast, green, grassy hill, sweating and panting along the way! And my idea of relaxing was not exactly sitting on the grass under the trees, either. Gimme a cool café anytime.
But then I found myself standing there, looking around the vastness, and thought; what I have gotten myself into?

I saw a guy standing about the field; is that the… trainer? Even thinking about it made my excitement sunk lower.
But first thing first; finding the changing area.
And the nearest toilet was… drum roll, please… at the second floor of an old, colonial, Victorian building (and that means stairs), up, up, up the hill…
Right…
So I walked all the way up, and all the way down, and I was panting! And sweating! What mortification!
And there was this guy, looking perfectly fit, standing on the field, listening to music. *confidence sunk*
Timidly I asked, “Is this the venue for the boot camp?”
“HUH?”
Apparently my question was not loud enough. Repeat.
“Oh, yeah! Hi, I’m S” (Name concealed for confidentiality)
Is your name really P*nk? popped in my mind. (The full name was mentioned in the e-mail notification of the boot camp)

Let me say this first, I am not good with people, especially guys. But he was friendly (thank goodness), and has this amiable aura about him and after a bit of chit-chat, he seemed quite nice. *relieved*
The participants were coming; what the hell they are doing in a boot camp? I mean, they were as lean as fish! *confidence sunk even lower*
My instinct to ‘flight’ went soaring, but they had already seen me so I might as well swallow the embarrassment and will my feet to be rooted to the ground.

I survived the first session of stretching, but the main course? My knees were going to give with one wrong step and you asked me to run?
So, when everybody was running up the hill, I could only walk; small, little, slow steps to avoid falling, or worse, rolling down the hill.
This, was humiliation. Total humiliation.

Then came the paired resistance training; S paired me with TY, the magazine journalist who would be joining us for the sessions. She has this very lean (I do not like the word ‘skinny’; sounds unhealthy) body, big eyes and kind-of-pixie hair. She would look real good as cute, cheerful fairy.
Oh, and I should remind you, that especially at this point of time, I was not the easiest person to strike a conversation with, with all the panting and nausea and shock and so on and so forth. And I was also the lousiest partner to be paired with. If there was a lowest standard in fitness level, I just hit the new low. I could not do much, looked real bad, felt sick, and was going to throw up. I am sure you would understand that I would not be too friendly or even cheerful.
But I got to hand it to her to be so patient; kept on encouraging and be with me all along the way. That was really nice of her. I really appreciate it, really touched. Thank you very much *teary smile*

After another stretching set, we had a sort-of-reflection session.
Honestly, it felt good that I went through, finished, the first day of the boot camp, survived without vomiting, falling or collapsing, even when I could not do the whole activities well. I also seriously hoped that after this, I could go through all the sessions more easily than before and thus able to encourage myself to have a more active lifestyle.
Still, I could not ignore the screaming voice in my head; D*mn this training! It can go to hell for all I care! What pain! Sh*t, I am going to fall! Uh-oh, my throat is contracting… This is not good… yada, yada, yada…
Yes, I am a pessimist. I like to grumble, too, a lot.
But after all those full-hour of grumbling, it felt good to finish the boot camp. Those grumblings were just casual remarks (XP).
I felt… proud? Hell yeah, I felt kind of proud of myself for taking the first step. *stupid grin*

Then I heard somebody said that the muscles felt like jelly. Jelly? This is mashed potato!

The not-so-pleasant after-effect:
My body felt constantly hot and I could not sleep a wink that night. My brain went overdrive; I could not keep coherent thoughts, and got a terrible headache. And I could not stop crying for no apparent reason. Frustrating, to say the least.
Right there and then, I seriously reconsidering about going for another session.
But after a deep slumber from 5 a.m. (Yes, I could only started sleeping at 5 a.m.) to 9 a.m. (What little sleep…) (TT), when my body ached all over and moving was a chore, I felt good. I felt more relaxed, even with the tensed muscles. With a better mood, I stopped by a mall to buy a hot cup of tea on my cheerful way to school.
Oh, and I felt less sleepy during the day than I usually was in class. *silly grin*
And I noticed that I had lots of gas in the stomach… (XP)

Disclaimer:
In the moment of typing, the writer was still high on endorphin, thus the uncensored mouth, or rather, fingers.

Update:
The ache escalated during the day… (TT)

Love,
Lina.

23 January 2011

This Anger, is for me.

What friend I am
What use do I have
Why I have the nerve to stay beside you
If I can't even be your strength?
If I can't even support you?
If I keep hurting you?


You're gonna get mad,
I know.


Self-destructive,
Lina.

This self is stupid.

Just my stupidity,
I couldn’t stop caring.
Even after I reprimanded myself not to mind,
I still couldn’t stop.
Just my stupidity.


Tearing,
Lina.

22 January 2011

The BIG Question.

How,
can a person,
be beautiful?

bewildered,
Lina.

Transformation; Loading..?

Sometimes I feel that I am stuck;
In childishness,
In ugliness,
In stupidity,
In life.
As if I am a spectator,
Where time does not tick by,
Where life does not go on,
While people change,
While worms transform to butterflies,
While darkness comes to light.
Will there be a time,
When this ugly duckling turns into a swan?



With love,
The Ugly Duckling.