Bootcamp - Day 6

Missed it. Again.

Sorry, I was sick.


In pain,
Lina.

A Selfish List.

I want somebody to lean on;
Somebody who would hear me out,
Somebody who would calm me down,
          and rev me up,
Somebody who would understand when I want to stay quiet and just snuggle,
          or stay noisy and hyped up,
Somebody who would understand if I want to go out all day,
          or stay in all day,
Somebody who doesn't mind the serene rain,
          or the tranquil lounge,
          or the noisy bar,
          or the deafening club,
Somebody who could see how wonderful it is to be with my family and friends,
          yet would not mind to only be with me,
Somebody who would understand the enjoyment I relish from being in the crowd,
          or the calmness that I need from being alone,
Somebody who would protect me,
          yet understand when to let me roam.
Somebody who would support and believe me,
          yet understand when to stop my unleashing,
Somebody who understand this bitterness I have,
          and yet able to turn me to see the bright side of optimism,
Somebody,
          who would just love me,

                    in spite of every flaw,

                    in spite of every fear,

                    in spite of every lacking that I have,

Somebody,

          who would just love me the way I am.

Why would I show anybody who does not want me in my worst, my best?

I can't promise anything but me;
          No money,
          No nothin',
          Just me.


This long list is selfish.
          Nobody is perfect, yea?


This is not something that I could appease by myself anymore.



In yearning,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 5

I missed it.
Missed one opportunity to make my life feels better.


Well, everything happens for a reason.
And I think I understand why things happened this time;

to remind me of my own mortality,

to not take things for granted,

to live more,

and to love more.

With Love,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 4

I felt bad.

I knew; I was cranky.

I was and am sorry…

Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the slight fever…

Sir, I was glad you complimented me; that I did better than before.

I wanted to smile and say thank you graciously.

But I could not… It’s complicated.

I did not feel that I did good enough to earn that compliment.

I should not think that way, I knew.

It is hard for me to accept kindness. I am sorry.

I knew you meant well and that you wanted to cheer me up.

I am sorry I reacted that way and did not thank you properly.

I should break this mechanism. Please give me more time.

And you know what, even when I still hate the exercises - the torture, the panting and sweating and the mosquitoes, I like the gathering, the support all of us gave to one another, the light chit-chat, the laughter and camaraderie. I really like it, even love it. It really touched my heart.

It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I think about the sincere support the other participants gave me. I really, really want to thank you all, for everything. I am not the easiest person to be with, but you guys were really patient with me. I hope one day I can give all of you the kindness you gave to me, the support, the laughter and the solidarity.

Some participants could not turn up for one reason or another, and in the middle of painfully doing the sets, I thought; why am I here? Why don’t I just pull out? It is not as if I could not just leave…

But no, even when I think about it, I know I will come, that I would not quit it, and that I would not leave.

It became not just me anymore, but the lovely people around me. I love you guys, please do not doubt that.

 Love you.

This reflection has turn quite psychological, my apologies. I just could not help it. *grin*

Anyway, I am going to have a backache tomorrow, and stomachache, too. I can already feel the muscles contracting… (-_-‘’)

Ugh, stomach cramp. (-_-‘’)

                                                                                                               

With Love,

Lina.

Good Food

Food is good

not only if it tastes good,

but also when it leaves a bit of lingering after-taste.

ForeverTheCritic,

Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 3

Before the training:

Before I knew it, the day 3 of the boot camp came in blink of my eyes.

During the training:

I was back to square one – worst performance in the boot camp, and what made it so bad is that I felt worst! I was so ashamed of myself! (TT)

I still had not found a liking to these activities and I still could not break free from liking my comfort zone and familiarity. Mr. P was patient, I s’pose… And the other participants were kind and supportive. I felt kind of embarrassed from time to time, like when they cheered me up and I could finish a set nicely. Though I think it would be good to allow myself a bit surge of pride and the feeling of success. Just a bit… (XP)

They all were just simply kind.

A bit of thoughts:

This time, would I let myself be or feel supported by others, namely the other participants? Or will I get cowardly like I usually do and shove aside their kindness?

After the training:

Sleep was heavenly; I could not get enough of it, and I could not get up on time! *high-level panic*

And my body ached all over, ALL over.

The ugly stuff:

Ah, Sunday finally came.

My body ached deliciously and I could not move much.

After waking up early in the morning, I thought I would give myself a few treat; a chicken burger. A deep-fried chicken burger.

I know I should not have done that, but I could not resist! (>.<)

After that I met my relatives for breakfast. Yes, you heard me right; breakfast, of noodles and meat and mushrooms and iced tea. But then, noodles? After that burger? No, no, no, no, NO! So, I resolved in having the rice cake.

…

Not much different, I know.

And let’s have warm tea instead of the iced one to warm up these tense muscles.

What it would be for lunch, I wondered. But I knew what it is for dinner; a plate-full of my hometown’s fishcake! YUM! (XP)

Oh well, let’s had Sunday as the indulgence day!

*NOOOOOOOOOO……..*

PS. Sorry folks, I’d do better next time.

Ah, I forgot to eat the fruits!

Update:

Psst, I found out that I would feel good feeling the ache; it means I have worked out hard! And every work out is appreciated! (>.<)

Love,

Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 2

Training is still a not-so-pleasant affair, to say the least. (-_-‘’)

People said I was doing much better this time; YEAY to me! (XP)

But hopefully I would do much better later on. After all, it is a good feeling to actually able to go through the whole session and still end up in one piece. *grin*

Discoveries:

More endorphin makes you feel reckless!

And laughter bubbled up my chest more often! (XD)

Some thoughts on it:

1. Did I really do better than the previous session?

2. If yes, was it better because I do not want to lose to the others? But I was still left out in lots of stuffs, still doing bad in most of the session. Hmmm… *thinking*

3. Or, was it because I really got fitter? Even after just one session? *thinking harder* Hopefully so… *can’t stop smiling silly*

(XDDD)

Ø  Still feel happy just by thinking about it… *still can’t stop smiling silly* (XD)

Love,

Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 1

I needed a starting point for my new exercising regime, so when this magazine contacted me to join their organized boot camp, I immediately responded; YES! This is NOW or NEVER!

Yes, it was THAT bad.

I arrived at the venue of the boot camp excitedly by cab; first guilty confession, when I could use the public transport and a bit of… walking *grimaced*. It was a sort of park, or small field on a hill (Nuff’ said.).

I went to this park once, during a school field trip and I remembered telling myself that I am not going to come back. I meant; whatever for? I was not outdoorsy enough to explore the vast, green, grassy hill, sweating and panting along the way! And my idea of relaxing was not exactly sitting on the grass under the trees, either. Gimme a cool café anytime.

But then I found myself standing there, looking around the vastness, and thought; what I have gotten myself into?

I saw a guy standing about the field; is that the… trainer? Even thinking about it made my excitement sunk lower.

But first thing first; finding the changing area.

And the nearest toilet was… drum roll, please… at the second floor of an old, colonial, Victorian building (and that means stairs), up, up, up the hill…

Right…

So I walked all the way up, and all the way down, and I was panting! And sweating! What mortification!

And there was this guy, looking perfectly fit, standing on the field, listening to music. *confidence sunk*

Timidly I asked, “Is this the venue for the boot camp?”

“HUH?”

Apparently my question was not loud enough. Repeat.

“Oh, yeah! Hi, I’m S” (Name concealed for confidentiality)

Is your name really P*nk? popped in my mind. (The full name was mentioned in the e-mail notification of the boot camp)

Let me say this first, I am not good with people, especially guys. But he was friendly (thank goodness), and has this amiable aura about him and after a bit of chit-chat, he seemed quite nice. *relieved*

The participants were coming; what the hell they are doing in a boot camp? I mean, they were as lean as fish! *confidence sunk even lower*

My instinct to ‘flight’ went soaring, but they had already seen me so I might as well swallow the embarrassment and will my feet to be rooted to the ground.

I survived the first session of stretching, but the main course? My knees were going to give with one wrong step and you asked me to run?

So, when everybody was running up the hill, I could only walk; small, little, slow steps to avoid falling, or worse, rolling down the hill.

This, was humiliation. Total humiliation.

Then came the paired resistance training; S paired me with TY, the magazine journalist who would be joining us for the sessions. She has this very lean (I do not like the word ‘skinny’; sounds unhealthy) body, big eyes and kind-of-pixie hair. She would look real good as cute, cheerful fairy.

Oh, and I should remind you, that especially at this point of time, I was not the easiest person to strike a conversation with, with all the panting and nausea and shock and so on and so forth. And I was also the lousiest partner to be paired with. If there was a lowest standard in fitness level, I just hit the new low. I could not do much, looked real bad, felt sick, and was going to throw up. I am sure you would understand that I would not be too friendly or even cheerful.

But I got to hand it to her to be so patient; kept on encouraging and be with me all along the way. That was really nice of her. I really appreciate it, really touched. Thank you very much *teary smile*

After another stretching set, we had a sort-of-reflection session.

Honestly, it felt good that I went through, finished, the first day of the boot camp, survived without vomiting, falling or collapsing, even when I could not do the whole activities well. I also seriously hoped that after this, I could go through all the sessions more easily than before and thus able to encourage myself to have a more active lifestyle.

Still, I could not ignore the screaming voice in my head; D*mn this training! It can go to hell for all I care! What pain! Sh*t, I am going to fall! Uh-oh, my throat is contracting… This is not good… yada, yada, yada…

Yes, I am a pessimist. I like to grumble, too, a lot.

But after all those full-hour of grumbling, it felt good to finish the boot camp. Those grumblings were just casual remarks (XP).

I felt… proud? Hell yeah, I felt kind of proud of myself for taking the first step. *stupid grin*

Then I heard somebody said that the muscles felt like jelly. Jelly? This is mashed potato!

The not-so-pleasant after-effect:

My body felt constantly hot and I could not sleep a wink that night. My brain went overdrive; I could not keep coherent thoughts, and got a terrible headache. And I could not stop crying for no apparent reason. Frustrating, to say the least.

Right there and then, I seriously reconsidering about going for another session.

But after a deep slumber from 5 a.m. (Yes, I could only started sleeping at 5 a.m.) to 9 a.m. (What little sleep…) (TT), when my body ached all over and moving was a chore, I felt good. I felt more relaxed, even with the tensed muscles. With a better mood, I stopped by a mall to buy a hot cup of tea on my cheerful way to school.

Oh, and I felt less sleepy during the day than I usually was in class. *silly grin*

And I noticed that I had lots of gas in the stomach… (XP)

Disclaimer:

In the moment of typing, the writer was still high on endorphin, thus the uncensored mouth, or rather, fingers.

Update:

The ache escalated during the day… (TT)

Love,

Lina.