Fundamentally At Sea

Is this going to be one of my less lucid day?

I can feel me slipping from sanity

Letting go of the frayed rope of control

Relishing the sickening sensation of realisation

You know nothing
Nothing about me
Nothing about anything

I have no word

You let it pass

I can no longer return

You can no longer ask

I never want to cause you trouble
Never want to see you sad

Yet sometimes,
It's better if
They stab this heart
And shoot this brain;
Drown me in sleeping gas.

No longer fighting,
Lina.

Manifesting

You say what you want out loud and clear.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
And I have no such outlet,
Would you understand?
And I have no outlet,
Would you understand?

Is it a wonder sleep is such a refuge?
Is it a wonder leaving is such a bless?
Is it a wonder loving is easier from a far?

Holding back tears, biting tongue,
Lina.

The Secret of The Heart

The little quirky thing that happens every so often:

Swallowing dinner...

Mom: Get ready, I'm going to matchmake you.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLP!!

Dearest, with all due respect;

I want to see the world!

Mucho Love,
Lina.

Are You Happy?

"Life is not worth living without happiness."

Are you happy?

It's complicated.

Am I not grateful for the people around me if I am not happy?

Is grateful enough happiness?

Is grateful living worth living over happiness?

I am grateful,

But I am happy?

I daresay I do not know.

Finding out whether life is enough with gratefulness.

Searching,

Lina. 

Is This Truly Goodbye?

The prospect of leaving and never coming back is daunting;

A piece of my heart will always stay,

This part of my life will always be remembered.

The intention to stay never existed,

Yet leaving is such a terrifying step.

The plan is now questioned;

Actions are now frightened.

Change is hard;

Change is needed.

The instinct to stay unmoved always kick in;

A push to different directions rarely appreciated.

Experiencing fear like no other;

Heart begging others to understand,

Mind stumbling over erratic thoughts,

And body simply has been. 

Still Lost,

Lina.

Love The Night Away

In darkness I spy glimpses
Of people writhing
Of people glancing

These instincts struggle
Grasping to break free
Just one more step to wild oblivion

Is it a wonder people fear?
Is it a wonder people tread to forget?

In my consciousness I resist
In my loneliness I keep

Somebody to touch
Somebody to kiss
This body yearns

Time to kill
Body to feel

The blaring sound provides silence
To fill with gasp and moan

How much temptation can one's heart take?
Lost myself, but not quite.

The pouring drinks,
The blasting beats,
The glimmering lights,
We lost our heads,
And let the hearts take charge
The rhythmic instincts as old as time

Letting go,
Indulge,
In desire as old as time

Is it a wonder people seek to give?

The fog intensifies;
Is it the air?
Is it our breath mingling in the night?

Tirelessly following these instincts into oblivion
Completely losing these minds into temptation

Look
Show
Close
Kiss
Touch
Writhe
To the morning rise...

Oh, so sweet
Oh, so lovely
We are
We are so lovely giving in...

Enjoy the dream 'til the soul's barin'...

Enjoy,

Lina. 

Oh, You Friendly People!

It is true what they say;
With every sip you feel enhanced...

Yet there is a moment when you know for sure that you are rather out of control...
'Cause things don't make sense no more...

Kept on biting ice...
Despair fell...
As I feel the euphoria ain't leaving...

With every sip, they chink what little consciousness left in me...


After a lifetime pride that I am never lost to the world,
And I still do not,
I can now understand why people give in, and how. 

Just a touch of the experience,
Got rational frightened the heck out of me...



Much Love,
Lina. 

Not a Separation, I Am Hugging Tight

Farewell; bidding you well wishes,
And goodbye; may God be with you...

I am ripping up my own heart
Erasing my existence
In readiness to leave

Tearing up papers
Cutting cards
Throwing out things

Fear intensifies unstable emotions
Clouds judgement
I am brave, I am brave, I am brave, I am brave, I am brave~...

The time is not enough
The time is never enough
A piece of me would have to be sacrificed

What little hope
I'll cling tight
As I would a lifeline



Lost Love,
Lina

Confusion and Sufferance

I do not understand happiness.

Fleeting feelings come and go,
Live and die

What would your next step be?



Love, if capable,
Lina.

By Debbie Harry

The idea was to be desirable, 

feminine 

and vulnerable, 

but with a resilient, tenacious wit, 

rather than poor female 

sapped of her strength by heart-throb. 

By Stephen Fry

There is no 'why', it's not the right question. 

There's no reason. 

If there were a reason for it, you could reason someone out of it, 

and you could tell them why they shouldn't take their own life.

Mental Illness

Some people just could not accept that it is the brain,
Not the metaphoric heart.

Something is wrong with this brain,
And it is not of my doing,
It is not of my wanting.

Some people just do not want to acknowledge that there are things in this body not under my control,
Not under my authoritative plan,
No longer a mind-over-matter thing;
It is a matter to be reckoned with.

It is to be respected,
To be understood,
And to live with.



Loved and Lost,
Lina.

No Matter

This heart is cold
Frozen
Trapped under a mountain of snow
Empty.

What are you complaining about?

The time has come
Force no longer works
Stimulation is useless
Nature, simply grey

Nothing left but frustration
Nothing left but fear
Nothing left but confusion
Nothing more

You should be grateful you are not crushed!

Aren't I?
Why?
What?
Nothing is clear any more.

Where am I going?
What am I doing?

You already have a plan, Girl!

Do I?

Why this mind denies?
Why this heart refuses?

You've got no backbone, you useless piece of shit!

Ah, maybe it is so
Maybe this soul was denied
Long ago
When the spirit was caged

Are you blaming others now?
The independence you're so proud of; where it is now?

Independence I so yearn
A mere limp bravado?
I still so yearn
Future looks murky so

I am being selfish
And maybe a little arrogant
Getting ahead of myself
When I know nothing is certain

When I should know better

Things have their own plans
I have been reminding myself
Yet my heart says no
Though my mind knows it so

Time is a scary thing
The urge to hurt gets stronger with time
The need to feel pain gets intenser
The ripping of soul and body gets crazier

The mindset is wrong, Girl; slap yourself out of it!

We are all barmier than we let known
And I don't mind
I just want to feel
I just want me




Love,
Lina.

Psst!

A closet romantic just wants love...

Sigh...

Savouring and Devouring Master

The word 'savour' might not be in my dictionary.

Every time I 'devour' something
I feel regret
As soon as my mind realise
Usually when I would be a little too far gone into it

I like to call myself
A believer
In slowing down
In enjoying every second
In savouring every satisfaction.

With every realisation
My heart sinks deeper
My mind gloom darker

Every feeling passes me by
Every split second sensation gets missed

All my senses scream in despair
What a pity

All my senses yearn and long in desperation
For the quality I have been depriving myself of

For every moment I curse
For every moment my heart cries
For every moment my senses reel
Here is a hope
That someday
I master myself.





Loving,
Lina. 

Will I Dare to Take the Leap of Faith?

Everytime there was a major change around me;
I changed, too.

There are times I feel I lost my previous self...
And now I feel content with what I am...

I want to change in some ways;
I fear that I would lose myself yet again,
Just when I am starting to feel content...

Change is hard;
I want change,
Yet, I do not know if I will be better off with a new self.

Would that be what they call self-discovery?

Is this fear valid?
Is this fear justified?
Is this fear not mere flaw?

Will there be some kind of reassurance that I will still and always be me;
No matter how I change my life?




Confused,
Lina. 

I Hesitate, But; Just Kill Me Now.

No one understands,

Not even me...

How can I make people understand, then?

You can't.

How am I supposed to weave this complicated emptiness into words in language?

Into something that somebody understands?

Into something that I understand?

Into something that love understands?



Babbling,
Lina.

I Am Poisoning Myself

There is always fear,

A never-ending supply of it...


There are fears,

Come and go...


It's not like anyone cares.




Lina.

Dying

Burned out.

What do I do now?

What do I want?

What am I looking for?

Things have been suppressed and repressed so deep, I don't know anymore...

Dare I choose life, my life, over duty and responsibility?

Dare I choose life, even when breaking my loved ones' hearts?

Dare I even think about it?

How I hope things are simpler...




Lost,
Lina.

Closing Box

In this little box
With doors locked and curtains drawn
There is no sense of time
No sense of reality...

Sun passed by
And Sky turned dark
Yet not a thing moved
In this little box.

Only self-absorption coursed through
The starved thread of sanity...
Clinging is no longer enough
Moving is never an option.

The little flower of hope is budding
Through the stones of shame and humiliation
Fear demands instant killing and finishing
Yet life brings growth and completion.

This numbness is desperate
Happiness is always out of reach,
Just a little out of reach,
Just a little...

Comes to mind the question
What is happiness?

It is something I do not recall having
It is something I do not recall feeling...

The essentiality of labelling myself caught me baffled
The essentiality of labelling myself, in the state of happiness, caught me horrifyingly off-guard

This urge,
This desperate urge in feeling,
Caught me...
Lost.

The secrets of life completely hidden
No amount of adventures and treasure hunts satisfies this heart's questions.

What is inside?
What is worthy?
What is it searching for?
What am I struggling for?

Is sufferance the only way?
Forward?

Questions after questions after questions
'Til we no longer knew the question
'Til everything was lost in the avalanches of words and meanings
'Til everything was lost in the chaos of feelings.


What is it?





Simply,
Lina.

Silence.

Silence is not always defiance. 

Existing, Yet, Living?

There is always a... paradox, if you will, in us.

There is always something... held back when we are opening ourselves for others.
There is always something... revealed when we are viewing others.

An opening to the human soul, I feel, would be on how they see others
On how one expresses oneself,
Which on itself a paradox.

This heart explodes with myriad of thoughts and wonders
Yet, no one would ever completely understand
This rainbow of words comes pouring out of one another so colourfully none would travel out of this mouth
How odd, that this complexly made body is still incapable of... something.
How odd, that it is never complex enough.
How odd, that... I am not even sure what to label, or if I am fit enough to label, THIS, is never shared enough.
How odd, that THIS happens, THIS exists
Yet, THIS is not something ever fully understood.
Or, should we, humbly as we are, understand?

Is this... revelation a show of something held back?

Words, or something... are often lodged and left neglected at the little corner of this heart.

Is this a way to question
If accepting and understanding are enough for... THIS?
If love ever enough?

What are we looking for?
What counts more that what we are looking for?

"Doesn't everyone want love?"
Now I don't know anymore.




Simply,
Lina.

What Now?

There are times when things just come crashing down all at once.
There are times when the urge to run and escape become too strong.
There are times when the shackles and bars become too tight.

Now I don't know what to do anymore.
Now I don't know anything anymore.

I fear.
I fear for my future.
I fear for my sanity.
I simply fear and despair.




Lost,
Lina.

Life's Worth?

Wondering if I need to be useful to exist...

The heart is defying all logic now, and despairing...

Bubbles Burst

In presence of despair and loneliness,
          When time stops and suffering starts
          When sadness deigns and regret reigns
          When solidarity ends and love wanes

Human forgets and ignores,
          The blesses spared and poured
Human shrinks and sways
          What future holds
          And past's brought


Come the song sung and sun shines,
          When joy rains and spirit rises
          When flavour flies and taste escapes
          When courage dances and love soars

Human forgets and ignores,
          The curses said and screamed
Human pairs and promises
          What future holds
          And past's brought


How fickle has memory become
How rash has emotion become

Though no head nor heart will ever rule this dart,
          Pierced this soul is, nonetheless

'Til human knows and realises
          What human holds and promises
           Is human's hands, nonetheless.




Love,
Lina.