27 September 2012

Emotion First?

I guess this is the only place I can get away, from myself, with more 'I'...

We Have a Past; More Questions Than Anyone Can Answer

I feel compelled not to help them.
I feel compelled not to respect them.
I feel compelled not to heed their say.

I feel compelled to hurt them.
All of them,
Those who did,
Those who knew,
Those who knew and did not do anything,
Those who knew and did not prevent,
Those who knew and just closed an eye,
Those who knew and think it was fine,
Those who knew and just laughed them away...

Those who knew it hurt, and stayed quiet.
Those who knew how much it hurt, and stayed oblivious.


I feel compelled to hurt them,
Just as how they caused my anguish...

The anguish I can never thrown away...
The anguish I can never burned to ashes...
The anguish I can never let go.

This is wrong, I know.
But, the notion of revenge is too sweet to ignore.

I want to make them feel all the burden they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the shame they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the pain they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the wretched mentality they brought me.


I want to make them feel sorry,
So sorry they will give their lives away....

I want to make them beg for forgiveness,
Beg so hard they will hurt themselves.


I would love to think how free I would feel if they are gone.



But, oh, I love them.
I love them so much my heart hurt.
I love them so dearly these eyes tear...
I love them so very much.



And they do not think I have this wretched heart.
And they do not understand how I feel,
How I suffer...


And I can not make them understand,
I can not make them feel.



How do you tell the ones you love, that you hate them to bits?
That you hate them so much you want them to go away?
To just perish?


How would you tell them that, and make them understand all the anguish they caused you?
How would you tell them that, and make them understand you want them to be honest, say sorry and change?
How would you tell them that, and make them understand that all you want is clear, peaceful heart?



I do not want to keep on being tormented by this, by our past,
By something no one can change,
By something no one can understand,
By something no one can help anymore.

How do I find closure, when I can not tell anyone anything and make them understand?

How do I find closure, when I can not let myself be honest and damn all the consequences to hell?

How do I find closure, when words already failed me times and again?

How do I find closure, for the sake of myself, when I can not do anything, when I am so paralysed by our past?


How do I find closure? Please? I'm begging...




With So Much Love,
Lina.