One-Sided Friendships.

It is kind of no fun to be around you when you sulk.
Is it me the one without consideration?
Or is it you who think it is just not worth it to be happy around me?
*defeated, dejected sigh*


I feel that we are getting further away.
Is it my fault?
Is it your fault?
It was the defensive-me talking.
But don’t I have the right to be?
Defensive?


You are getting your way.
I wanted and still want to get my way.
Which should we choose?
It was the selfish-me talking.
But don’t I have the right to be?
Selfish?


I am confused.
I am horrified that it will end this fragile friendship.


There are things that we do not agree on, yes.
But that does not mean we have to go on our separate ways, right?


I am scared, terrified.
I mean, should I be?


I might not like the things you do.
You might not like the things I do.
But you are the go-to person when I need lifting up.
And I am your go-to person when you need lifting up.
Or is it just me who think that way?
Is it just a false hope of mine?
I sure hope not.


Please don’t leave me.
As much as I hate saying it, please don’t leave me.


I don’t want to be left alone anymore.
Maybe that’s my Damocles’ sword, or Achilles’ heel, or whatever.
Maybe that is why I was always groveling on your feet.
Or maybe because I was groveling so you came to me to be my ‘master’?


It hurts, knowing that you don’t treasure it as much as I do.
Knowing that you can throw me away at a moment’s fit.
Knowing that you don’t need me as much as I do you.
Knowing that you don’t appreciate me as much as I do you.
Knowing that you don’t care about me as much as I do you.
Knowing that you’ll be just fine without me, where I’ll crumble without you.


I hate it.


Giving in,
Herlina.

Scary Dreams.

I have been yearning for love, to cure this loneliness.

The bittersweet moments of waiting, hurt.

So much so that I have gone numb.

Oblivious to the constant pain, the unheard nagging ache.

There were dreams that have gotten close, too close, that I was afraid.

Endlessly running away, looking for a tiny little chance of escaping.

Escaping the pain, the betrayal, the reawakening of the haunting past.

Ghastly past that I am scared of.

Terrified of.

Reality shook me up, woke me up, who was shaking with fear.

Then it dawned on me; when you got no love, you can’t get betrayed.

I want to enfold myself in a cocoon, so strong that nothing can break in, or break out.

But all I can muster is a thin, fragile eggshell.

Cracked and broken countless times.

With frail tears my hands trembled, gluing back the sheer shells piece by piece, little by little.

When will I ever be free?

Free from the undesired alarm that jerk me away from familiarity.

Free of the haunting terror that yank my heart away from intimacy.

Somebody, hear my craving of help…

Tear all chain of anxiety.

Get me free.

So that I can wrap myself in the sweet sheer strings of love.

Shackle me up to the binding love of yours.

Lina.

To. A dear Closed-One.

In the beginning, I was looking for a pillar of support.


Then, you appeared.


I thought; that’s great! I’ll be just fine from now on.


In a sudden turn of events, I felt obliged to be your pillar of support.


Instead of leaning on you, I tried to let you lean on me.


Perhaps, I am not a strong enough of a pillar for you to lean on.
Perhaps, I am not a soft enough of a pillow for you to rest your confused little head on.
Perhaps, I am just not the right person that could help you find your happiness.
Or perhaps, I am not the one to give you that happiness you always long for.


Most of our conversations are tainted with the bickers I despise.


Getting you upset and frustrated, getting me upset and frustrated.


Sadness.


Anger.


Misery.


More than happiness, we have sorrow.


I got frustrated.


I did not and still do not know what to do, or how to act.


So, I was thinking, to end this depression on our mental beings, we should end this hopeless connection, shouldn’t we?




I am confused, torn apart.
I said I care, but I thought of leaving.
I do not want to cause you any more despair.
So, I should stick by, shouldn’t I?


Or, should I leave before this resentment goes too deep?




You do not believe me, or maybe you could not.
Times and times again I told you I care.


You still do not believe it.


No, I can not give you everything you want, or need.


I am sorry.
I am sorry that I have my limitations.
I am sorry that I can not do every single thing you want me to.
I am sorry that I feel sorry for that.
I am sorry that I become sad for that, and that I cried over it.
I am sorry that this emotional baggage of mine, burden you even more.
I am just so sorry.




I know sorry can not do anything.


But still, I am sorry.


I fully realised that even with my sorry, I would not change anything, would not mend anything.
I am just so sorry.




I hope you can make up your mind.
Please let me know if you still want, or even need, me here.
And please let me know if you don’t.


I can neither stand your sadness, nor your anguish.


I want to help, and I tried to.


But nothing seems to work.


Nothing seems to affect you.
Nothing, and nobody, seems to influence you, but you.


I seemed to be of no use, of no influence, of no worth.


At this rate, the very thing that I wanted to tell you was that only you can save yourself.
‘Cause I can’t.
‘Cause I can’t stand your sorrow.


It frustrates the hell out of me.


Crazily, I want to help you, to save you if I can.


But it seems that I’ll be the one that needs helping, or worse, saving.


So please, let me know what my role is in this connection, and how do you want me to act it out.




Let me know if you want to continue this connection, ‘cause I wouldn’t want to endure this sickening feelings any longer.






With Love,
Diminishing me - Lina.

Jeritan Hati

Ku cari kesenangan terlarang

Di tengah dunia yang terbatas

Ku minum kabut dalam kesedihan

Ku teguk matahari dalam keremangan

Ku telan panas dalam kesilauan

Ku tarikan cinta dalam kesendirian

Kata-kata manis dari hati yang terasa pahit

Ketenangan dari gejolak

Dari keliaran muncul pengertian

Dari dinamika masa depan, muncul masa lalu yang sederhana dan nrimo

Hati yang tersakiti karena ketulusan

Tergores oleh belati rasa bersalah

Bolehkah meraih penguluran pengampunan?

Dunia ini yang terbelenggu rantai kemunafikan.

Dengan penuh cinta,

Lina.

How do you define friendship?

I was hurt, by some, who took my affection in friendship as granted.

It was painful, difficult to admit, and even harder to discuss.

It happened for as long as I can remember.

Among those in the ‘circle’, I’m a ‘nobody’. No attachment whatsoever.

But still, silly me, tagging along wherever they went.

Even when they went hush-hush on me or chatting merrily about things that I know nothing about, I would be there, sitting or standing, smiling like an idiot.

I wondered if they realise that I was hurt, feeling out of the ‘circle’.

Oh well, I don’t think they ever did.

Then again, I was the go-to person to ask for help.

Accommodation, vehicle, money, studies, listening ear, protection, mistake-covering, you name it, I did it.

Things that might seem outrageous to be asked, even for my standard now, I was asked.

But hey, “we let you tag along with us, so these little things are fine, right? Wouldn’t hurt you, anyway.”

For the security of friendship, I did what they asked.

Fighting with my parents because of the ‘extravagant’ demands that I have to keep up with, became a daily routine.

I felt shame, anguish, desperation.

It’s a circle I couldn’t get out of.

A maddening, tormenting one.

I wonder if it’s a curse, haunting me wherever I go.

I still feel the urge to run under the cover of the security of friendship.

I still am used.

I still feel hurt.

Even the ol’ scars ache time and again.

And the new wounds appear day by day, fresh.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that friendship is a 2-way, or more, communication.

I’m fine with giving.

But there are times, when I want to be the one taking, to be the one who is selfish.

Yet, most of the time, I couldn’t say it.

I feel that it is somewhat expected of me, to be at the providing end.

There were awkward moments when I didn’t want to be, but couldn’t gather the courage to say no.

Lies, over lies, over lies, to spare me the heartache of doing something I don’t want to, to put a stop to saying something I’ve been meaning to say, but couldn’t.

I’ve been wondering on how or when I should put a stop to this circle, without sacrificing the ‘friendship’.

It’s been a tiring life.

Sure, there are moments where I was grateful to have their companionship, to have laughter brought to me and uneasiness taken away.

Having said that, do the sacrifices worth the reward, or vice versa?


With Love,
Lina.