16 February 2012

Lost

Where should one go when one crave comfort?

My Long-Lost Heart



I can't find a single answer for my motivation.


I realised then, and now, I have none.


This nothing-to-lose attitude is more a hassle to my yearning of vivacity than its worth guarding my heart.


Why can't I have one? 
What is lacking in me that caused me to not have anything dear to my heart; 
          anything that I would fight tooth and nail for? 


          Who am I kidding?
          'Amiable relationship'?
          What a bunch of nonsense..


But, it was not.
I really meant it.


What lacking is the motivation from me; 
What I want to achieve for me, 
Not what I want from others.


There is this, 


emptiness; 


The motivation from inside that I'm lacking, since long ago.


Dragging my feet living life, just because, 
Is difficult, 
Is making me lose heart, 
Making me give in to temptation, 
Many temptation. 


          Too darn many of 'em. 


The search of this thing inside has been futile, or so I've found. 
And why I keep on looking? 
Because I feel incomplete without it, that's why. 
And because I fear I can't function without it. 


Am I a person of temperament? I am afraid so. 
I would not want it so, you understand, if I could have chosen.
          Then again, maybe I would choose to be so.


Ah, we'll never end this discussion of what ifs.. 








Love,
Lina.