Impending Loneliness and The Past.

If that is what will become of me,
I'll live.


This paralysing feeling,
you should know better.


This churning pain,
would you know?


You have such power over me,
I believe you understand?


It is a survival day by day,
waiting if you'll discard me like an old rag...
I believe you know why.


I will hold my head up high,
'til you be proud of me,
until the time comes when we rejoin, and rejoice.


I am not the kind to start,
I hope you understand why.


But I'll be here.


I'll be here.




With Love,
Lina.

I Don't Want It To Become This Way. Not Now, Not Ever.

Revenge would have no end, would it?

          Nope.

That's what I'm afraid of.
          I hope it's not gonna happen...

Peace, were never an option. - E.S.

My Crumbling Self.

I'm scared.

This is not what I want to be.

Gorging on food when I don't want to.

And despising my own self afterward.

Wanting to vomit it out,
wanting to throw it all out.

Like whomever in this world who has bulimia...
          Aren't they lucky?

I hate myself.
I really hate myself.

This facade of a good girl and all,
          I really want to tear it all apart...

I ain't a good girl...
I'm just real selfish, real conceited, real stupid, real foolish....

The stubborness, the selfishness,
know no bound...

If you can get into my head,
          you'd be appalled.

I don't want to pretend like I don't care anymore,
like I don't give a damn anymore...

Why can't I be like them, whom can freely express how they feel and what they want?
          What they want to be?
          What they want to achieve?

Why didn't I?
          Why DON'T I?

No...
I know why...

It's this pride,
this high-and-mighty pride.

I can't say it...
I can't admit it...
that I think I'm unwanted.
that I think I'm not loved.
that I think I'm worthless.

          This is getting sickening, girl. You're real sick. Disgusting.

          Shame on you.

          Oh, and did I tell ya that it's a shame being with 'cha? Good bye, and good riddance.



Even in the end I couldn't say anything...

We're hurt, ain't we?

You hurt me.

I hurt you.

Where can we bring this relationship to?


Love,
Lina.

Shame

I will always ask;

                What is wrong with me?

                What is lacking in me?

I do not feel different,

                But I do not feel the same either.

Wishy-washy, aren’t cha, girl?

Foolishly trying to find happiness in others’ ways

                While realising that it can not be found anywhere else but inside.

Impulsively trying to keep up with others’ life

                While knowing that it is not worth doing when I can not accept mine.

Heedlessly yearning for love

                When I can not love me.

If ya have time to complain, why don’t ya do yer chores?!

 

With Love,

Lina.