Savouring and Devouring Master

The word 'savour' might not be in my dictionary.

Every time I 'devour' something
I feel regret
As soon as my mind realise
Usually when I would be a little too far gone into it

I like to call myself
A believer
In slowing down
In enjoying every second
In savouring every satisfaction.

With every realisation
My heart sinks deeper
My mind gloom darker

Every feeling passes me by
Every split second sensation gets missed

All my senses scream in despair
What a pity

All my senses yearn and long in desperation
For the quality I have been depriving myself of

For every moment I curse
For every moment my heart cries
For every moment my senses reel
Here is a hope
That someday
I master myself.





Loving,
Lina. 

Will I Dare to Take the Leap of Faith?

Everytime there was a major change around me;
I changed, too.

There are times I feel I lost my previous self...
And now I feel content with what I am...

I want to change in some ways;
I fear that I would lose myself yet again,
Just when I am starting to feel content...

Change is hard;
I want change,
Yet, I do not know if I will be better off with a new self.

Would that be what they call self-discovery?

Is this fear valid?
Is this fear justified?
Is this fear not mere flaw?

Will there be some kind of reassurance that I will still and always be me;
No matter how I change my life?




Confused,
Lina. 

I Hesitate, But; Just Kill Me Now.

No one understands,

Not even me...

How can I make people understand, then?

You can't.

How am I supposed to weave this complicated emptiness into words in language?

Into something that somebody understands?

Into something that I understand?

Into something that love understands?



Babbling,
Lina.

I Am Poisoning Myself

There is always fear,

A never-ending supply of it...


There are fears,

Come and go...


It's not like anyone cares.




Lina.

Dying

Burned out.

What do I do now?

What do I want?

What am I looking for?

Things have been suppressed and repressed so deep, I don't know anymore...

Dare I choose life, my life, over duty and responsibility?

Dare I choose life, even when breaking my loved ones' hearts?

Dare I even think about it?

How I hope things are simpler...




Lost,
Lina.

Closing Box

In this little box
With doors locked and curtains drawn
There is no sense of time
No sense of reality...

Sun passed by
And Sky turned dark
Yet not a thing moved
In this little box.

Only self-absorption coursed through
The starved thread of sanity...
Clinging is no longer enough
Moving is never an option.

The little flower of hope is budding
Through the stones of shame and humiliation
Fear demands instant killing and finishing
Yet life brings growth and completion.

This numbness is desperate
Happiness is always out of reach,
Just a little out of reach,
Just a little...

Comes to mind the question
What is happiness?

It is something I do not recall having
It is something I do not recall feeling...

The essentiality of labelling myself caught me baffled
The essentiality of labelling myself, in the state of happiness, caught me horrifyingly off-guard

This urge,
This desperate urge in feeling,
Caught me...
Lost.

The secrets of life completely hidden
No amount of adventures and treasure hunts satisfies this heart's questions.

What is inside?
What is worthy?
What is it searching for?
What am I struggling for?

Is sufferance the only way?
Forward?

Questions after questions after questions
'Til we no longer knew the question
'Til everything was lost in the avalanches of words and meanings
'Til everything was lost in the chaos of feelings.


What is it?





Simply,
Lina.

Silence.

Silence is not always defiance. 

Existing, Yet, Living?

There is always a... paradox, if you will, in us.

There is always something... held back when we are opening ourselves for others.
There is always something... revealed when we are viewing others.

An opening to the human soul, I feel, would be on how they see others
On how one expresses oneself,
Which on itself a paradox.

This heart explodes with myriad of thoughts and wonders
Yet, no one would ever completely understand
This rainbow of words comes pouring out of one another so colourfully none would travel out of this mouth
How odd, that this complexly made body is still incapable of... something.
How odd, that it is never complex enough.
How odd, that... I am not even sure what to label, or if I am fit enough to label, THIS, is never shared enough.
How odd, that THIS happens, THIS exists
Yet, THIS is not something ever fully understood.
Or, should we, humbly as we are, understand?

Is this... revelation a show of something held back?

Words, or something... are often lodged and left neglected at the little corner of this heart.

Is this a way to question
If accepting and understanding are enough for... THIS?
If love ever enough?

What are we looking for?
What counts more that what we are looking for?

"Doesn't everyone want love?"
Now I don't know anymore.




Simply,
Lina.

What Now?

There are times when things just come crashing down all at once.
There are times when the urge to run and escape become too strong.
There are times when the shackles and bars become too tight.

Now I don't know what to do anymore.
Now I don't know anything anymore.

I fear.
I fear for my future.
I fear for my sanity.
I simply fear and despair.




Lost,
Lina.