Beauty

"The control of our art is very often to prevent us from being too beautiful, independently sustained by beauty from uncontrollable sources - beautiful for ourselves, beautiful for others."

Why tyrants are afraid of art and beauty http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30939668

Consciousness

"It would be poetic – albeit deeply frustrating – were it ultimately to prove that the one thing the human mind is incapable of comprehending is itself. An answer must be out there somewhere. And finding it matters..."

Why can’t the world’s greatest minds solve the mystery of consciousness? http://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/jan/21/-sp-why-cant-worlds-greatest-minds-solve-mystery-consciousness

YOU ARE MORE

This Bridge; To Cross Or Not To Cross

I'm not the stablest rock around
High and low not on my whimsical round
One moment a cheery cardigan
Another a choosy curtain
Distraction a constant bane and boon
Rapid thought a constant bane and boon

Curses lost, blessings forgotten

Relationship a strain
On my worry
And your pity

Heart's heart's creation
Passion's a blazing glory
Burned out a touch too quickly

Love is not the question
My mind's the motion

Love isn't what I fear
But future plays by ear
And past's a foolish queer

One fine day eyes would open
Feeling's an omission
Ardour might disappear on one light of day
This self becomes lost a long way away

The dread would consume me
Is this the end of we?

Unfairness is you escorting a broken soul
With sanity knowing holding tight is being hopeful

Because Love,
Would I subject love to such sorrow?
Because Love,
How profound could pain grow?

How would this nothingness manifest?

How would the abyss of nothingness after the grandeur of amorousness manifest?

Lost in loving,
Lina

Contemplating Fault

Everything screams WRONG
Everything imprints WRONG

Shiver and shake stay within
Scare and start keep creepin'

Pushing back the time a futile attempt
Taking off the body brings contempt

A step closer a step of start
A day closer a day of doubt

You know it's going to be fine
And you'll be liking it!

We adjust
It's what we do.

Irrationality sounds rational
Fear feels normal

These moments a pageant of vulnerability
Defeating a mere quality

Still sins envelope
Still virtues lose hope

Agony imbues action
Uncertainty infiltrates cessation

At this juncture,
Do we say prayer?

We adjust; It's what we do.



Braving,
Lina. 

Fundamentally At Sea

Is this going to be one of my less lucid day?

I can feel me slipping from sanity

Letting go of the frayed rope of control

Relishing the sickening sensation of realisation

You know nothing
Nothing about me
Nothing about anything

I have no word

You let it pass

I can no longer return

You can no longer ask

I never want to cause you trouble
Never want to see you sad

Yet sometimes,
It's better if
They stab this heart
And shoot this brain;
Drown me in sleeping gas.

No longer fighting,
Lina.

Manifesting

You say what you want out loud and clear.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
And I have no such outlet,
Would you understand?
And I have no outlet,
Would you understand?

Is it a wonder sleep is such a refuge?
Is it a wonder leaving is such a bless?
Is it a wonder loving is easier from a far?

Holding back tears, biting tongue,
Lina.

The Secret of The Heart

The little quirky thing that happens every so often:

Swallowing dinner...

Mom: Get ready, I'm going to matchmake you.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLP!!

Dearest, with all due respect;

I want to see the world!

Mucho Love,
Lina.

Are You Happy?

"Life is not worth living without happiness."

Are you happy?

It's complicated.

Am I not grateful for the people around me if I am not happy?

Is grateful enough happiness?

Is grateful living worth living over happiness?

I am grateful,

But I am happy?

I daresay I do not know.

Finding out whether life is enough with gratefulness.

Searching,

Lina. 

Is This Truly Goodbye?

The prospect of leaving and never coming back is daunting;

A piece of my heart will always stay,

This part of my life will always be remembered.

The intention to stay never existed,

Yet leaving is such a terrifying step.

The plan is now questioned;

Actions are now frightened.

Change is hard;

Change is needed.

The instinct to stay unmoved always kick in;

A push to different directions rarely appreciated.

Experiencing fear like no other;

Heart begging others to understand,

Mind stumbling over erratic thoughts,

And body simply has been. 

Still Lost,

Lina.

Love The Night Away

In darkness I spy glimpses
Of people writhing
Of people glancing

These instincts struggle
Grasping to break free
Just one more step to wild oblivion

Is it a wonder people fear?
Is it a wonder people tread to forget?

In my consciousness I resist
In my loneliness I keep

Somebody to touch
Somebody to kiss
This body yearns

Time to kill
Body to feel

The blaring sound provides silence
To fill with gasp and moan

How much temptation can one's heart take?
Lost myself, but not quite.

The pouring drinks,
The blasting beats,
The glimmering lights,
We lost our heads,
And let the hearts take charge
The rhythmic instincts as old as time

Letting go,
Indulge,
In desire as old as time

Is it a wonder people seek to give?

The fog intensifies;
Is it the air?
Is it our breath mingling in the night?

Tirelessly following these instincts into oblivion
Completely losing these minds into temptation

Look
Show
Close
Kiss
Touch
Writhe
To the morning rise...

Oh, so sweet
Oh, so lovely
We are
We are so lovely giving in...

Enjoy the dream 'til the soul's barin'...

Enjoy,

Lina. 

Oh, You Friendly People!

It is true what they say;
With every sip you feel enhanced...

Yet there is a moment when you know for sure that you are rather out of control...
'Cause things don't make sense no more...

Kept on biting ice...
Despair fell...
As I feel the euphoria ain't leaving...

With every sip, they chink what little consciousness left in me...


After a lifetime pride that I am never lost to the world,
And I still do not,
I can now understand why people give in, and how. 

Just a touch of the experience,
Got rational frightened the heck out of me...



Much Love,
Lina. 

Not a Separation, I Am Hugging Tight

Farewell; bidding you well wishes,
And goodbye; may God be with you...

I am ripping up my own heart
Erasing my existence
In readiness to leave

Tearing up papers
Cutting cards
Throwing out things

Fear intensifies unstable emotions
Clouds judgement
I am brave, I am brave, I am brave, I am brave, I am brave~...

The time is not enough
The time is never enough
A piece of me would have to be sacrificed

What little hope
I'll cling tight
As I would a lifeline



Lost Love,
Lina

Confusion and Sufferance

I do not understand happiness.

Fleeting feelings come and go,
Live and die

What would your next step be?



Love, if capable,
Lina.

By Debbie Harry

The idea was to be desirable, 

feminine 

and vulnerable, 

but with a resilient, tenacious wit, 

rather than poor female 

sapped of her strength by heart-throb. 

By Stephen Fry

There is no 'why', it's not the right question. 

There's no reason. 

If there were a reason for it, you could reason someone out of it, 

and you could tell them why they shouldn't take their own life.

Mental Illness

Some people just could not accept that it is the brain,
Not the metaphoric heart.

Something is wrong with this brain,
And it is not of my doing,
It is not of my wanting.

Some people just do not want to acknowledge that there are things in this body not under my control,
Not under my authoritative plan,
No longer a mind-over-matter thing;
It is a matter to be reckoned with.

It is to be respected,
To be understood,
And to live with.



Loved and Lost,
Lina.

No Matter

This heart is cold
Frozen
Trapped under a mountain of snow
Empty.

What are you complaining about?

The time has come
Force no longer works
Stimulation is useless
Nature, simply grey

Nothing left but frustration
Nothing left but fear
Nothing left but confusion
Nothing more

You should be grateful you are not crushed!

Aren't I?
Why?
What?
Nothing is clear any more.

Where am I going?
What am I doing?

You already have a plan, Girl!

Do I?

Why this mind denies?
Why this heart refuses?

You've got no backbone, you useless piece of shit!

Ah, maybe it is so
Maybe this soul was denied
Long ago
When the spirit was caged

Are you blaming others now?
The independence you're so proud of; where it is now?

Independence I so yearn
A mere limp bravado?
I still so yearn
Future looks murky so

I am being selfish
And maybe a little arrogant
Getting ahead of myself
When I know nothing is certain

When I should know better

Things have their own plans
I have been reminding myself
Yet my heart says no
Though my mind knows it so

Time is a scary thing
The urge to hurt gets stronger with time
The need to feel pain gets intenser
The ripping of soul and body gets crazier

The mindset is wrong, Girl; slap yourself out of it!

We are all barmier than we let known
And I don't mind
I just want to feel
I just want me




Love,
Lina.

Psst!

A closet romantic just wants love...

Sigh...

Savouring and Devouring Master

The word 'savour' might not be in my dictionary.

Every time I 'devour' something
I feel regret
As soon as my mind realise
Usually when I would be a little too far gone into it

I like to call myself
A believer
In slowing down
In enjoying every second
In savouring every satisfaction.

With every realisation
My heart sinks deeper
My mind gloom darker

Every feeling passes me by
Every split second sensation gets missed

All my senses scream in despair
What a pity

All my senses yearn and long in desperation
For the quality I have been depriving myself of

For every moment I curse
For every moment my heart cries
For every moment my senses reel
Here is a hope
That someday
I master myself.





Loving,
Lina.