Emotion First?

I guess this is the only place I can get away, from myself, with more 'I'...

We Have a Past; More Questions Than Anyone Can Answer

I feel compelled not to help them.
I feel compelled not to respect them.
I feel compelled not to heed their say.

I feel compelled to hurt them.
All of them,
Those who did,
Those who knew,
Those who knew and did not do anything,
Those who knew and did not prevent,
Those who knew and just closed an eye,
Those who knew and think it was fine,
Those who knew and just laughed them away...

Those who knew it hurt, and stayed quiet.
Those who knew how much it hurt, and stayed oblivious.


I feel compelled to hurt them,
Just as how they caused my anguish...

The anguish I can never thrown away...
The anguish I can never burned to ashes...
The anguish I can never let go.

This is wrong, I know.
But, the notion of revenge is too sweet to ignore.

I want to make them feel all the burden they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the shame they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the pain they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the wretched mentality they brought me.


I want to make them feel sorry,
So sorry they will give their lives away....

I want to make them beg for forgiveness,
Beg so hard they will hurt themselves.


I would love to think how free I would feel if they are gone.



But, oh, I love them.
I love them so much my heart hurt.
I love them so dearly these eyes tear...
I love them so very much.



And they do not think I have this wretched heart.
And they do not understand how I feel,
How I suffer...


And I can not make them understand,
I can not make them feel.



How do you tell the ones you love, that you hate them to bits?
That you hate them so much you want them to go away?
To just perish?


How would you tell them that, and make them understand all the anguish they caused you?
How would you tell them that, and make them understand you want them to be honest, say sorry and change?
How would you tell them that, and make them understand that all you want is clear, peaceful heart?



I do not want to keep on being tormented by this, by our past,
By something no one can change,
By something no one can understand,
By something no one can help anymore.

How do I find closure, when I can not tell anyone anything and make them understand?

How do I find closure, when I can not let myself be honest and damn all the consequences to hell?

How do I find closure, when words already failed me times and again?

How do I find closure, for the sake of myself, when I can not do anything, when I am so paralysed by our past?


How do I find closure? Please? I'm begging...




With So Much Love,
Lina.

Let's Donate!

Donated blood for the first time this morning; 
          A little scared, but also fascinated... *big shining eyes*

I could feel tremors of fear as I watched the attendant prepare the necessary equipment.

After he finished piercing the needle in, I looked at my blood flowing;
          Kinda brought tears to my eyes...     


I did not do much, but lie there and let it flow.

          The blood felt warm...


          It wasn't so bad after all...

          Lovely experience; might do it again in 3 months... 


For those who can;
It is a privilege.


          It felt... good, for the lack of better word, to be able to do this;
          To have the capability to let it flow...





With Love,
Lina.

How Will We Go From Here?

I am numb.


This is no doubt a defence mechanism of my body.


Because if I am feeling,


I would die of insanity.


Because if I am feeling,


What little pieces of heart I so desperately hold together, would be torn apart.


Because if I am feeling,


I will consign my body and soul to the devil.


Because if I am feeling,


My responsibility to you, and others, would be forsaken.


Because if I am feeling,


I would disappoint you, and others, even more.








With Love,
Lina.

Dreams To Duty?

For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. -Dale Carnegie

People have been telling me to follow my dream.

And I am starting to think;

What is actually stopping me from doing so?

I want to be brave.

I want to do what I want.

I want to do what I want and bring back joy and pride of success,

And, more importantly, of happiness.

And then insecurities come hurdling;

Would people still accept me if I fail?

Of course I should not be talking about failing when I have not even tried.

Of course I should have more faith in myself.

Of course I should have more faith in my family and friends.

After all, this is not the first failure.

And there would be more to come.

(Touch wood)

Then again; once bitten, twice shy.

Do you not agree?

Failure after failure;

Being told that dreams are mere dreams;

Fairy-tales unreachable to a mere me…

Should I let that dream go away?

I should not be so easily swayed, should I?

I am very ashamed to make even that as a question.

How do you convince yourself of what you want;

When you feel incomplete?

When you feel like a missing piece?

When you feel inadequate?

Should I storm ahead regardless?

I need to talk.

I need to find a way.

I need to find a way out;

Out of this binds of insecurities.

But every time I find someone to say something,

It is like opening a dam;

Everything just gets poured out, uncontrollably.

Every feelings and emotions release themselves from the chains of restrain on my heart.

Nothing I say would make sense to anybody;

The throat would constrict and the words would get jumbled up,

The body would be shaking and the tears would not stop,

And then I would be too tired to even think.

I keep on wondering when these emotions will stop running like a mad hare;

When I can finally tell those who cares about me,

About my dreams, about me,

And telling them so with pride,

Because I know they care enough to actually listen and not judge,

Because I know they care enough that they love me regardless.

Is it not what we all want;

To be loved and accepted and validated regardless?

I want my dreams, dearests.

Would you care enough to not impose yours on me?

Would you care enough to let me spread my own wings and fly to my destination?

And would you care enough to still love me then?

With Love,

Lina.

Darkened Soul

The matter at hand,
might be too small to be considered.


Dare I forsaken worry, though, when I have lives at my hands?


You say I am too serious.
Am I?


Maybe I am doing things for my ego?
For my vanity?
For my arrogance?


Maybe...




Love,
Lina.

How Are We to Know?

Dear Eddy,


It has been a little more than two weeks...
And my heart has not stopped aching.


I was revisiting our memories;
The day I was looking for you, was the day you left.


Are you squeezing my heart?
Playfully, I bet, just a little too hard for me to breathe.


Ah, Eddy, you were one crazy guy.
And I almost use 'are'...


Should I have said goodbye?




With Love,
Lina.

I Just Want To Say It Out Loud

I was forgotten.


Sigh...

Even I Am Afraid

Sometimes I think I have such unforgiving streaks in me...

Dear Eddy Ryan

Dear Eddy,



We don't know each other very much, do we?
But what little time we had, now salt to my wounded heart.
You took a piece of it away...

You brought solace and wisdom,
And fun and laughter.


You were so insightful and perceptive and strong.
I really loved talking with you,
about anything and everything under the sun,
or even in the cosmo.


I wonder, 
did you know we will be separated so soon?


I wish you peace, Eddy...
May my tears of love send you away...
Let my grief not bog you down,
but a remembrance that you are the beloved friend anybody could ask for.


Rest in peace, Eddy.






With Love,
Your little white wabbit.


In memoriam of Eddy Ryan, a beloved friend.

Earthly Love

How would you love?

So beautiful you can’t not touch him;

Making sure he’s always there…

Making sure he’s not getting away…

The strong pillar of your life;

You can’t bear not to break him…

To pieces.

Make him so broken he would depend on you for life.

The bird of happiness;

You can’t bear not to lock him…

In the same suffocating cotton cage he locks you in.

Nobody would ever laid eyes on him,

And he would have laid eyes only on you.

Making him yours and yours only.

Sharing him to no one but you,

Not even his family or friends,

Not even his past.

This is sickening, you say?

Love would be trusting that he wouldn’t go away even when the heart strings are loosened,

Love would be trusting that he will be there,

Love would be knowing you will be there,

For him.

Maybe someday we’ll all find a love;

Possessive enough to sustain us,

Trusting enough to let us fly…

Maybe someday…

With Love,

Lina.

Is This Camaraderie?

What have you guys done to me?

My chest will not stop aching and my head will not start thinking.

You can believe me when I say that this is my first;

Having a sense of belonging to those you can rely on, 

And know that they trust you enough to rely on you, too.

I know this is cheesy, corny, or whatever; but,

My feet will not touch the ground for the foreseeable future

And, ‘I like it very much, thank you’ does not even begin to describe how I feel.

Try, ‘overwhelmed with delight’.

Friends are like stars, they say;

And I hope even in the midst of bright city lights,

Or cloudy night,

You know that we are there…

This is all the sweet stuff, you say?

Maybe we would find more differences than similarities in the future,

But I hope we share a bond that is not easily forsaken.

I hope we are together because we have found those who would be willing to take the bullets for us,

Or to share simple gestures like share…

The dark part would be;

This is my first.

Dare I reciprocate?

Can I?

I honestly wouldn’t know if I am capable of being a good person worthy of this…

But I would have you know,

I will do my best.

I am deeply sorry if this sounds like pressure; to fit the shoes of solidarity…

I am deeply sorry if this euphoria is a burden.

I am just trying to find a way to express this restlessness in my heart,

And this is the only way I know how.

I am not very outspoken, sometimes…

 And there are things I usually left unsaid; but,

Tonight, I want to say it all here.

With Love,

Lina.

We are Parts of Labour Market

The market is specific, tight
And MERCILESS.

Gender V. Attitude

Female by birth,
Lady by choice.

Living Life

You have the ability to do everything,
And have the honour to do the finer things.

Return On Investment

Put your heart and mind into valuable return;
IMAGE, not fashion.

Living Life

You must be aware with what is happening in the world,
And be able to enjoy it.

Play The Game

People are punished not because of naughtiness, but because of ignorance.

Play the game knowing the rules.

Living Life

Let people do what they like,

You do what you want;

What is RIGHT.

Untitled

I crave human touch.