Dreams To Duty?

For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. -Dale Carnegie

People have been telling me to follow my dream.

And I am starting to think;

What is actually stopping me from doing so?

I want to be brave.

I want to do what I want.

I want to do what I want and bring back joy and pride of success,

And, more importantly, of happiness.

And then insecurities come hurdling;

Would people still accept me if I fail?

Of course I should not be talking about failing when I have not even tried.

Of course I should have more faith in myself.

Of course I should have more faith in my family and friends.

After all, this is not the first failure.

And there would be more to come.

(Touch wood)

Then again; once bitten, twice shy.

Do you not agree?

Failure after failure;

Being told that dreams are mere dreams;

Fairy-tales unreachable to a mere me…

Should I let that dream go away?

I should not be so easily swayed, should I?

I am very ashamed to make even that as a question.

How do you convince yourself of what you want;

When you feel incomplete?

When you feel like a missing piece?

When you feel inadequate?

Should I storm ahead regardless?

I need to talk.

I need to find a way.

I need to find a way out;

Out of this binds of insecurities.

But every time I find someone to say something,

It is like opening a dam;

Everything just gets poured out, uncontrollably.

Every feelings and emotions release themselves from the chains of restrain on my heart.

Nothing I say would make sense to anybody;

The throat would constrict and the words would get jumbled up,

The body would be shaking and the tears would not stop,

And then I would be too tired to even think.

I keep on wondering when these emotions will stop running like a mad hare;

When I can finally tell those who cares about me,

About my dreams, about me,

And telling them so with pride,

Because I know they care enough to actually listen and not judge,

Because I know they care enough that they love me regardless.

Is it not what we all want;

To be loved and accepted and validated regardless?

I want my dreams, dearests.

Would you care enough to not impose yours on me?

Would you care enough to let me spread my own wings and fly to my destination?

And would you care enough to still love me then?

With Love,

Lina.

Darkened Soul

The matter at hand,
might be too small to be considered.


Dare I forsaken worry, though, when I have lives at my hands?


You say I am too serious.
Am I?


Maybe I am doing things for my ego?
For my vanity?
For my arrogance?


Maybe...




Love,
Lina.

How Are We to Know?

Dear Eddy,


It has been a little more than two weeks...
And my heart has not stopped aching.


I was revisiting our memories;
The day I was looking for you, was the day you left.


Are you squeezing my heart?
Playfully, I bet, just a little too hard for me to breathe.


Ah, Eddy, you were one crazy guy.
And I almost use 'are'...


Should I have said goodbye?




With Love,
Lina.

I Just Want To Say It Out Loud

I was forgotten.


Sigh...

Even I Am Afraid

Sometimes I think I have such unforgiving streaks in me...

Dear Eddy Ryan

Dear Eddy,



We don't know each other very much, do we?
But what little time we had, now salt to my wounded heart.
You took a piece of it away...

You brought solace and wisdom,
And fun and laughter.


You were so insightful and perceptive and strong.
I really loved talking with you,
about anything and everything under the sun,
or even in the cosmo.


I wonder, 
did you know we will be separated so soon?


I wish you peace, Eddy...
May my tears of love send you away...
Let my grief not bog you down,
but a remembrance that you are the beloved friend anybody could ask for.


Rest in peace, Eddy.






With Love,
Your little white wabbit.


In memoriam of Eddy Ryan, a beloved friend.

Earthly Love

How would you love?

So beautiful you can’t not touch him;

Making sure he’s always there…

Making sure he’s not getting away…

The strong pillar of your life;

You can’t bear not to break him…

To pieces.

Make him so broken he would depend on you for life.

The bird of happiness;

You can’t bear not to lock him…

In the same suffocating cotton cage he locks you in.

Nobody would ever laid eyes on him,

And he would have laid eyes only on you.

Making him yours and yours only.

Sharing him to no one but you,

Not even his family or friends,

Not even his past.

This is sickening, you say?

Love would be trusting that he wouldn’t go away even when the heart strings are loosened,

Love would be trusting that he will be there,

Love would be knowing you will be there,

For him.

Maybe someday we’ll all find a love;

Possessive enough to sustain us,

Trusting enough to let us fly…

Maybe someday…

With Love,

Lina.

Is This Camaraderie?

What have you guys done to me?

My chest will not stop aching and my head will not start thinking.

You can believe me when I say that this is my first;

Having a sense of belonging to those you can rely on, 

And know that they trust you enough to rely on you, too.

I know this is cheesy, corny, or whatever; but,

My feet will not touch the ground for the foreseeable future

And, ‘I like it very much, thank you’ does not even begin to describe how I feel.

Try, ‘overwhelmed with delight’.

Friends are like stars, they say;

And I hope even in the midst of bright city lights,

Or cloudy night,

You know that we are there…

This is all the sweet stuff, you say?

Maybe we would find more differences than similarities in the future,

But I hope we share a bond that is not easily forsaken.

I hope we are together because we have found those who would be willing to take the bullets for us,

Or to share simple gestures like share…

The dark part would be;

This is my first.

Dare I reciprocate?

Can I?

I honestly wouldn’t know if I am capable of being a good person worthy of this…

But I would have you know,

I will do my best.

I am deeply sorry if this sounds like pressure; to fit the shoes of solidarity…

I am deeply sorry if this euphoria is a burden.

I am just trying to find a way to express this restlessness in my heart,

And this is the only way I know how.

I am not very outspoken, sometimes…

 And there are things I usually left unsaid; but,

Tonight, I want to say it all here.

With Love,

Lina.

We are Parts of Labour Market

The market is specific, tight
And MERCILESS.

Gender V. Attitude

Female by birth,
Lady by choice.

Living Life

You have the ability to do everything,
And have the honour to do the finer things.

Return On Investment

Put your heart and mind into valuable return;
IMAGE, not fashion.

Living Life

You must be aware with what is happening in the world,
And be able to enjoy it.

Play The Game

People are punished not because of naughtiness, but because of ignorance.

Play the game knowing the rules.

Living Life

Let people do what they like,

You do what you want;

What is RIGHT.

Untitled

I crave human touch.

Lost

Where should one go when one crave comfort?

My Long-Lost Heart

I can't find a single answer for my motivation.


I realised then, and now, I have none.


This nothing-to-lose attitude is more a hassle to my yearning of vivacity than its worth guarding my heart.


Why can't I have one? 
What is lacking in me that caused me to not have anything dear to my heart; 
          anything that I would fight tooth and nail for? 


          Who am I kidding?
          'Amiable relationship'?
          What a bunch of nonsense..


But, it was not.
I really meant it.


What lacking is the motivation from me; 
What I want to achieve for me, 
Not what I want from others.


There is this, 


emptiness; 


The motivation from inside that I'm lacking, since long ago.


Dragging my feet living life, just because, 
Is difficult, 
Is making me lose heart, 
Making me give in to temptation, 
Many temptation. 


          Too darn many of 'em. 


The search of this thing inside has been futile, or so I've found. 
And why I keep on looking? 
Because I feel incomplete without it, that's why. 
And because I fear I can't function without it. 


Am I a person of temperament? I am afraid so. 
I would not want it so, you understand, if I could have chosen.
          Then again, maybe I would choose to be so.


Ah, we'll never end this discussion of what ifs.. 








Love,
Lina.

A Sudden Unearthed Impulse

Beneath this arrogance there is a desire,
to be owned, mastered over,
to be seized over; this very life, this very living,
to be towered over, 
          to be possessed to oblivion,

                    to nothingness but pleasure.

                              And satisfaction.

Beneath this prudishness there is a soul,
longing for light-hearted murmurs for the feelings,
for an embrace that touch the assurance,
          for an ardour that betray the senses. 
                    Straight to eternity.


Beneath this retraction there is a wish,
for somebody to pierce through this mask of haughtiness,
          to pull this charade apart.
                    And reveal what lust inside.


Beneath this strong façade there is a little somebody,
whom is wishing for a little gentleness,
          for a little gloved protection from the cruel world outside,
          for a little silky tie to return to,
          for a little feathery chain to hold on to.
                    For a little love for whom one is.






With Love,
Lina.

A Simple, Yet Complex, Gift.

"To love and to be loved is the greatest gift of all."