Living Life

Health

is a state of complete

physical, mental and social wellbeing,

and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

World Health Organisation

Living Life

When you arise in the morning,
think of what a precious privilege it is
to be alive,
to breathe,
to think,
to enjoy,

to love.

Living Life

If you are not actively involved in getting what you want;

You do not really want it.

Living Life

It is your world.
You are a shareholder;

Take an active interest in it.

This Course Of Life

Much as I loathe it;
          There is only so much I can do for you.
          There is only so much this dependent immature is capable of...

So,
What little I can hear; Share it.
What little I can see; Show it.

Because in my limitation;
          These little things are the only I can do.

So,
I am keeping myself healthy;
          So that I can be on my tip-top condition, not only mentally but also physically -- and I hope you would, too, because ''di dalam tubuh yang sehat, terdapat jiwa yang kuat'', no?

(''In a healthy body is a strong soul'')

I am already embarking on the journey to a better health for body and soul -- of course, there are lapses along the way; taking supplements, reducing food intake, getting more active brain and body a little bit by bit, and also getting enough sleep regularly (because bit by bit of 'paying up' just does not cut it for me).

Hopefully I can present myself to you at my very best,

          Especially because you know my worst, seen me as I am and are encouraging me to be better,

          So that I can, at least, reciprocate and give you my support now that I am stronger than I was.

Like how you encouraged me to do the right thing and be stronger,

          I wish to be able to together guide each other in this course of life in our journey to each be a better person and spread this love to the world.

Love,

Lina.





En Route To Be A Healthier Individual

I have discovered again and again, than I have little, or no, restraint.

I hate myself.

It's tearing me apart that pride gets in the way and I have no way throwing pride to the gutter.

It's like betraying my resolve, betraying myself.

Craving for more self-esteem,
Lina.

The Other Truth

What a hit upon the head, to be told that all those kindness and understanding were granted upon me to spoil me.
          Especially when, all this time, I thought you really understand.

What a slap on the face, to have you laid out all your expectation, without really asking what I want.
          Or maybe you did, in a passing.
          Or maybe, giving you the benefit of doubt, I didn't hear it.

What a kick to the stomach, to know that you think I am "strong".
          Have you ever look deeper?
          Or even try to?
          Delve inside my soul, mind and heart??

I was in total disbelief.
You could not imagine, how tempted I was, to blurt out what I felt; what was happening to me.

I have relapsed.
With this raging anger and constant foul mood, what I can expect?
         

How would you react, I wonder?
Would you kill me then? Or maybe now?


Loving you,
And hating you,
Lina.

What A Demeaning Situation.

One man's junk is another man's treasure.


But an act of charity was seen as a waste of resources.
          Just thinking about it makes my heart boils.


I did not, do not and will not donate my things just because I feel no more need of them, or because I can not take care of them anymore.
          The mere thought of it; HOW REPULSIVE!
          And to think, that the person I hold high and dear to my heart thinks that way; I am at total loss.

Never again, I hope, I make a mistake of talking.
          Never again, like you said, wasting your money; I'll just swim off the ocean, and you can save the money for my wake.
          A gruesome and rash thought, I know. Hopefully you understand that I need to vent this anger before I combust.
          But never think that this is just a one-off saying from a spoiled-brat.

With Love,
Lina.

Let's Make A Resolution!

Let's save on food / eat healthily,
so that all those money saved can be used to buy all those nice things you desire!
Namely bags, clutches, accessories and clothes!
And all other expensive things!
          Ah, my materialistic self...

With Love,
And Lots of Luck,
Lina.

Impending Loneliness and The Past.

If that is what will become of me,
I'll live.


This paralysing feeling,
you should know better.


This churning pain,
would you know?


You have such power over me,
I believe you understand?


It is a survival day by day,
waiting if you'll discard me like an old rag...
I believe you know why.


I will hold my head up high,
'til you be proud of me,
until the time comes when we rejoin, and rejoice.


I am not the kind to start,
I hope you understand why.


But I'll be here.


I'll be here.




With Love,
Lina.

I Don't Want It To Become This Way. Not Now, Not Ever.

Revenge would have no end, would it?

          Nope.

That's what I'm afraid of.
          I hope it's not gonna happen...

Peace, were never an option. - E.S.

My Crumbling Self.

I'm scared.

This is not what I want to be.

Gorging on food when I don't want to.

And despising my own self afterward.

Wanting to vomit it out,
wanting to throw it all out.

Like whomever in this world who has bulimia...
          Aren't they lucky?

I hate myself.
I really hate myself.

This facade of a good girl and all,
          I really want to tear it all apart...

I ain't a good girl...
I'm just real selfish, real conceited, real stupid, real foolish....

The stubborness, the selfishness,
know no bound...

If you can get into my head,
          you'd be appalled.

I don't want to pretend like I don't care anymore,
like I don't give a damn anymore...

Why can't I be like them, whom can freely express how they feel and what they want?
          What they want to be?
          What they want to achieve?

Why didn't I?
          Why DON'T I?

No...
I know why...

It's this pride,
this high-and-mighty pride.

I can't say it...
I can't admit it...
that I think I'm unwanted.
that I think I'm not loved.
that I think I'm worthless.

          This is getting sickening, girl. You're real sick. Disgusting.

          Shame on you.

          Oh, and did I tell ya that it's a shame being with 'cha? Good bye, and good riddance.



Even in the end I couldn't say anything...

We're hurt, ain't we?

You hurt me.

I hurt you.

Where can we bring this relationship to?


Love,
Lina.

Shame

I will always ask;

                What is wrong with me?

                What is lacking in me?

I do not feel different,

                But I do not feel the same either.

Wishy-washy, aren’t cha, girl?

Foolishly trying to find happiness in others’ ways

                While realising that it can not be found anywhere else but inside.

Impulsively trying to keep up with others’ life

                While knowing that it is not worth doing when I can not accept mine.

Heedlessly yearning for love

                When I can not love me.

If ya have time to complain, why don’t ya do yer chores?!

 

With Love,

Lina.

Confession.

I'm surrounded by beautiful people.

self-esteem never got up to a new level.
And I'm hating myself for saying it.

The Past.

I could never remember

why or when,

I lose the ability to smile with abandon

and to act and think without reserve.

And saying "what if" now, wouldn't exactly help.

Moving on,

Lina.

Bootcamp – Pulling Out

I pulled out.

Yes, folks; those high-spirited, convincing, solid words my big mouth spouted away recklessly had just slapped me back on the face.

There were examinations, illness and hectic schedule.

Not an excuse, I know.

            Should’ve toughen up and persisted, shouldn’t I?

I’d better pull myself together again quickly, and get started on a new regime; healthier me.

Wish me luck! (^^)

With Love,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 6

Missed it. Again.

Sorry, I was sick.


In pain,
Lina.

A Selfish List.

I want somebody to lean on;
Somebody who would hear me out,
Somebody who would calm me down,
          and rev me up,
Somebody who would understand when I want to stay quiet and just snuggle,
          or stay noisy and hyped up,
Somebody who would understand if I want to go out all day,
          or stay in all day,
Somebody who doesn't mind the serene rain,
          or the tranquil lounge,
          or the noisy bar,
          or the deafening club,
Somebody who could see how wonderful it is to be with my family and friends,
          yet would not mind to only be with me,
Somebody who would understand the enjoyment I relish from being in the crowd,
          or the calmness that I need from being alone,
Somebody who would protect me,
          yet understand when to let me roam.
Somebody who would support and believe me,
          yet understand when to stop my unleashing,
Somebody who understand this bitterness I have,
          and yet able to turn me to see the bright side of optimism,
Somebody,
          who would just love me,

                    in spite of every flaw,

                    in spite of every fear,

                    in spite of every lacking that I have,

Somebody,

          who would just love me the way I am.

Why would I show anybody who does not want me in my worst, my best?

I can't promise anything but me;
          No money,
          No nothin',
          Just me.


This long list is selfish.
          Nobody is perfect, yea?


This is not something that I could appease by myself anymore.



In yearning,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 5

I missed it.
Missed one opportunity to make my life feels better.


Well, everything happens for a reason.
And I think I understand why things happened this time;

to remind me of my own mortality,

to not take things for granted,

to live more,

and to love more.

With Love,
Lina.