This Course Of Life

Much as I loathe it;
          There is only so much I can do for you.
          There is only so much this dependent immature is capable of...

So,
What little I can hear; Share it.
What little I can see; Show it.

Because in my limitation;
          These little things are the only I can do.

So,
I am keeping myself healthy;
          So that I can be on my tip-top condition, not only mentally but also physically -- and I hope you would, too, because ''di dalam tubuh yang sehat, terdapat jiwa yang kuat'', no?

(''In a healthy body is a strong soul'')

I am already embarking on the journey to a better health for body and soul -- of course, there are lapses along the way; taking supplements, reducing food intake, getting more active brain and body a little bit by bit, and also getting enough sleep regularly (because bit by bit of 'paying up' just does not cut it for me).

Hopefully I can present myself to you at my very best,

          Especially because you know my worst, seen me as I am and are encouraging me to be better,

          So that I can, at least, reciprocate and give you my support now that I am stronger than I was.

Like how you encouraged me to do the right thing and be stronger,

          I wish to be able to together guide each other in this course of life in our journey to each be a better person and spread this love to the world.

Love,

Lina.





En Route To Be A Healthier Individual

I have discovered again and again, than I have little, or no, restraint.

I hate myself.

It's tearing me apart that pride gets in the way and I have no way throwing pride to the gutter.

It's like betraying my resolve, betraying myself.

Craving for more self-esteem,
Lina.

The Other Truth

What a hit upon the head, to be told that all those kindness and understanding were granted upon me to spoil me.
          Especially when, all this time, I thought you really understand.

What a slap on the face, to have you laid out all your expectation, without really asking what I want.
          Or maybe you did, in a passing.
          Or maybe, giving you the benefit of doubt, I didn't hear it.

What a kick to the stomach, to know that you think I am "strong".
          Have you ever look deeper?
          Or even try to?
          Delve inside my soul, mind and heart??

I was in total disbelief.
You could not imagine, how tempted I was, to blurt out what I felt; what was happening to me.

I have relapsed.
With this raging anger and constant foul mood, what I can expect?
         

How would you react, I wonder?
Would you kill me then? Or maybe now?


Loving you,
And hating you,
Lina.

What A Demeaning Situation.

One man's junk is another man's treasure.


But an act of charity was seen as a waste of resources.
          Just thinking about it makes my heart boils.


I did not, do not and will not donate my things just because I feel no more need of them, or because I can not take care of them anymore.
          The mere thought of it; HOW REPULSIVE!
          And to think, that the person I hold high and dear to my heart thinks that way; I am at total loss.

Never again, I hope, I make a mistake of talking.
          Never again, like you said, wasting your money; I'll just swim off the ocean, and you can save the money for my wake.
          A gruesome and rash thought, I know. Hopefully you understand that I need to vent this anger before I combust.
          But never think that this is just a one-off saying from a spoiled-brat.

With Love,
Lina.

Let's Make A Resolution!

Let's save on food / eat healthily,
so that all those money saved can be used to buy all those nice things you desire!
Namely bags, clutches, accessories and clothes!
And all other expensive things!
          Ah, my materialistic self...

With Love,
And Lots of Luck,
Lina.

Impending Loneliness and The Past.

If that is what will become of me,
I'll live.


This paralysing feeling,
you should know better.


This churning pain,
would you know?


You have such power over me,
I believe you understand?


It is a survival day by day,
waiting if you'll discard me like an old rag...
I believe you know why.


I will hold my head up high,
'til you be proud of me,
until the time comes when we rejoin, and rejoice.


I am not the kind to start,
I hope you understand why.


But I'll be here.


I'll be here.




With Love,
Lina.

I Don't Want It To Become This Way. Not Now, Not Ever.

Revenge would have no end, would it?

          Nope.

That's what I'm afraid of.
          I hope it's not gonna happen...

Peace, were never an option. - E.S.

My Crumbling Self.

I'm scared.

This is not what I want to be.

Gorging on food when I don't want to.

And despising my own self afterward.

Wanting to vomit it out,
wanting to throw it all out.

Like whomever in this world who has bulimia...
          Aren't they lucky?

I hate myself.
I really hate myself.

This facade of a good girl and all,
          I really want to tear it all apart...

I ain't a good girl...
I'm just real selfish, real conceited, real stupid, real foolish....

The stubborness, the selfishness,
know no bound...

If you can get into my head,
          you'd be appalled.

I don't want to pretend like I don't care anymore,
like I don't give a damn anymore...

Why can't I be like them, whom can freely express how they feel and what they want?
          What they want to be?
          What they want to achieve?

Why didn't I?
          Why DON'T I?

No...
I know why...

It's this pride,
this high-and-mighty pride.

I can't say it...
I can't admit it...
that I think I'm unwanted.
that I think I'm not loved.
that I think I'm worthless.

          This is getting sickening, girl. You're real sick. Disgusting.

          Shame on you.

          Oh, and did I tell ya that it's a shame being with 'cha? Good bye, and good riddance.



Even in the end I couldn't say anything...

We're hurt, ain't we?

You hurt me.

I hurt you.

Where can we bring this relationship to?


Love,
Lina.

Shame

I will always ask;

                What is wrong with me?

                What is lacking in me?

I do not feel different,

                But I do not feel the same either.

Wishy-washy, aren’t cha, girl?

Foolishly trying to find happiness in others’ ways

                While realising that it can not be found anywhere else but inside.

Impulsively trying to keep up with others’ life

                While knowing that it is not worth doing when I can not accept mine.

Heedlessly yearning for love

                When I can not love me.

If ya have time to complain, why don’t ya do yer chores?!

 

With Love,

Lina.

Confession.

I'm surrounded by beautiful people.

self-esteem never got up to a new level.
And I'm hating myself for saying it.

The Past.

I could never remember

why or when,

I lose the ability to smile with abandon

and to act and think without reserve.

And saying "what if" now, wouldn't exactly help.

Moving on,

Lina.

Bootcamp – Pulling Out

I pulled out.

Yes, folks; those high-spirited, convincing, solid words my big mouth spouted away recklessly had just slapped me back on the face.

There were examinations, illness and hectic schedule.

Not an excuse, I know.

            Should’ve toughen up and persisted, shouldn’t I?

I’d better pull myself together again quickly, and get started on a new regime; healthier me.

Wish me luck! (^^)

With Love,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 6

Missed it. Again.

Sorry, I was sick.


In pain,
Lina.

A Selfish List.

I want somebody to lean on;
Somebody who would hear me out,
Somebody who would calm me down,
          and rev me up,
Somebody who would understand when I want to stay quiet and just snuggle,
          or stay noisy and hyped up,
Somebody who would understand if I want to go out all day,
          or stay in all day,
Somebody who doesn't mind the serene rain,
          or the tranquil lounge,
          or the noisy bar,
          or the deafening club,
Somebody who could see how wonderful it is to be with my family and friends,
          yet would not mind to only be with me,
Somebody who would understand the enjoyment I relish from being in the crowd,
          or the calmness that I need from being alone,
Somebody who would protect me,
          yet understand when to let me roam.
Somebody who would support and believe me,
          yet understand when to stop my unleashing,
Somebody who understand this bitterness I have,
          and yet able to turn me to see the bright side of optimism,
Somebody,
          who would just love me,

                    in spite of every flaw,

                    in spite of every fear,

                    in spite of every lacking that I have,

Somebody,

          who would just love me the way I am.

Why would I show anybody who does not want me in my worst, my best?

I can't promise anything but me;
          No money,
          No nothin',
          Just me.


This long list is selfish.
          Nobody is perfect, yea?


This is not something that I could appease by myself anymore.



In yearning,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 5

I missed it.
Missed one opportunity to make my life feels better.


Well, everything happens for a reason.
And I think I understand why things happened this time;

to remind me of my own mortality,

to not take things for granted,

to live more,

and to love more.

With Love,
Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 4

I felt bad.

I knew; I was cranky.

I was and am sorry…

Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the slight fever…

Sir, I was glad you complimented me; that I did better than before.

I wanted to smile and say thank you graciously.

But I could not… It’s complicated.

I did not feel that I did good enough to earn that compliment.

I should not think that way, I knew.

It is hard for me to accept kindness. I am sorry.

I knew you meant well and that you wanted to cheer me up.

I am sorry I reacted that way and did not thank you properly.

I should break this mechanism. Please give me more time.

And you know what, even when I still hate the exercises - the torture, the panting and sweating and the mosquitoes, I like the gathering, the support all of us gave to one another, the light chit-chat, the laughter and camaraderie. I really like it, even love it. It really touched my heart.

It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I think about the sincere support the other participants gave me. I really, really want to thank you all, for everything. I am not the easiest person to be with, but you guys were really patient with me. I hope one day I can give all of you the kindness you gave to me, the support, the laughter and the solidarity.

Some participants could not turn up for one reason or another, and in the middle of painfully doing the sets, I thought; why am I here? Why don’t I just pull out? It is not as if I could not just leave…

But no, even when I think about it, I know I will come, that I would not quit it, and that I would not leave.

It became not just me anymore, but the lovely people around me. I love you guys, please do not doubt that.

 Love you.

This reflection has turn quite psychological, my apologies. I just could not help it. *grin*

Anyway, I am going to have a backache tomorrow, and stomachache, too. I can already feel the muscles contracting… (-_-‘’)

Ugh, stomach cramp. (-_-‘’)

                                                                                                               

With Love,

Lina.

Good Food

Food is good

not only if it tastes good,

but also when it leaves a bit of lingering after-taste.

ForeverTheCritic,

Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 3

Before the training:

Before I knew it, the day 3 of the boot camp came in blink of my eyes.

During the training:

I was back to square one – worst performance in the boot camp, and what made it so bad is that I felt worst! I was so ashamed of myself! (TT)

I still had not found a liking to these activities and I still could not break free from liking my comfort zone and familiarity. Mr. P was patient, I s’pose… And the other participants were kind and supportive. I felt kind of embarrassed from time to time, like when they cheered me up and I could finish a set nicely. Though I think it would be good to allow myself a bit surge of pride and the feeling of success. Just a bit… (XP)

They all were just simply kind.

A bit of thoughts:

This time, would I let myself be or feel supported by others, namely the other participants? Or will I get cowardly like I usually do and shove aside their kindness?

After the training:

Sleep was heavenly; I could not get enough of it, and I could not get up on time! *high-level panic*

And my body ached all over, ALL over.

The ugly stuff:

Ah, Sunday finally came.

My body ached deliciously and I could not move much.

After waking up early in the morning, I thought I would give myself a few treat; a chicken burger. A deep-fried chicken burger.

I know I should not have done that, but I could not resist! (>.<)

After that I met my relatives for breakfast. Yes, you heard me right; breakfast, of noodles and meat and mushrooms and iced tea. But then, noodles? After that burger? No, no, no, no, NO! So, I resolved in having the rice cake.

…

Not much different, I know.

And let’s have warm tea instead of the iced one to warm up these tense muscles.

What it would be for lunch, I wondered. But I knew what it is for dinner; a plate-full of my hometown’s fishcake! YUM! (XP)

Oh well, let’s had Sunday as the indulgence day!

*NOOOOOOOOOO……..*

PS. Sorry folks, I’d do better next time.

Ah, I forgot to eat the fruits!

Update:

Psst, I found out that I would feel good feeling the ache; it means I have worked out hard! And every work out is appreciated! (>.<)

Love,

Lina.

Bootcamp - Day 2

Training is still a not-so-pleasant affair, to say the least. (-_-‘’)

People said I was doing much better this time; YEAY to me! (XP)

But hopefully I would do much better later on. After all, it is a good feeling to actually able to go through the whole session and still end up in one piece. *grin*

Discoveries:

More endorphin makes you feel reckless!

And laughter bubbled up my chest more often! (XD)

Some thoughts on it:

1. Did I really do better than the previous session?

2. If yes, was it better because I do not want to lose to the others? But I was still left out in lots of stuffs, still doing bad in most of the session. Hmmm… *thinking*

3. Or, was it because I really got fitter? Even after just one session? *thinking harder* Hopefully so… *can’t stop smiling silly*

(XDDD)

Ø  Still feel happy just by thinking about it… *still can’t stop smiling silly* (XD)

Love,

Lina.