Forbidden Gravitation

I felt it again;
The sunk feeling when a supposedly fun, exciting, turn of events sets the siren of my danger radar off...

Something so innocent, triggered the knock on my wild fantasy's door;
The door I so carefully locked up and hidden away, even from myself.
The door I so consciously avoid, and never let loose...

The fear I felt for my sanity,
So strong my whole being jerked in agony.
So strong, I could not even fight,
Or flight.

My chest contracted;
There was never enough air.

My eyes went wild looking for exit sign,
But I could see none.
I was trapped;
By my own choice.
By my own steps.

My throat closed;
Not even a croak escaped.
No help can be said.
No signal can be reached.

Hidden desires are drawn by the eyes and bodies,
Threatening to break free from all chains and covers...

Temptation never felt so compelling to be let loose,
To be drowned in passion and abandon,
To be challenged by indignation,
To be faced in fascination.

My whole mastery shook;
Control never felt so constrained.

Whispers of luring seduction never sounded so loud;
How wonderful to bask in fantasy...
To let all desires run free...
And let satisfaction engulfs me...

Enticement so subtle so persuasive,
Coaxing the snare of belief imprisonment to forgive...

Oh, how I yearn to caress,
The glorious sensation on human's skin...
The liberation of satisfaction.

Alas,
The world will never let me forget;
For I am the bearer of name,
The bearer of shame...

Alas,
The conscience will never let me break free;
For I am the loved one of those who care,
For I am the lover of those who care...

In my shoes I can say;
How lovely if I am with no name, no shame,
If I  am one no one knows, and no one cares...

But be content, I will;
For I am me,
And blessed, I be.


So much loves are pouring onto me with no chain and no bane,
And I will forever be grateful for this name.





Loving and Yearning,
Lina.

Out Of Control?

I hate not being in control of myself.

I hate not being able to control myself.

I hate that I let myself not being in control. 



Does that make me a control-freak?





Wondering,
Lina.

Emotion First?

I guess this is the only place I can get away, from myself, with more 'I'...

We Have a Past; More Questions Than Anyone Can Answer

I feel compelled not to help them.
I feel compelled not to respect them.
I feel compelled not to heed their say.

I feel compelled to hurt them.
All of them,
Those who did,
Those who knew,
Those who knew and did not do anything,
Those who knew and did not prevent,
Those who knew and just closed an eye,
Those who knew and think it was fine,
Those who knew and just laughed them away...

Those who knew it hurt, and stayed quiet.
Those who knew how much it hurt, and stayed oblivious.


I feel compelled to hurt them,
Just as how they caused my anguish...

The anguish I can never thrown away...
The anguish I can never burned to ashes...
The anguish I can never let go.

This is wrong, I know.
But, the notion of revenge is too sweet to ignore.

I want to make them feel all the burden they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the shame they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the pain they caused me.
I want to make them feel all the wretched mentality they brought me.


I want to make them feel sorry,
So sorry they will give their lives away....

I want to make them beg for forgiveness,
Beg so hard they will hurt themselves.


I would love to think how free I would feel if they are gone.



But, oh, I love them.
I love them so much my heart hurt.
I love them so dearly these eyes tear...
I love them so very much.



And they do not think I have this wretched heart.
And they do not understand how I feel,
How I suffer...


And I can not make them understand,
I can not make them feel.



How do you tell the ones you love, that you hate them to bits?
That you hate them so much you want them to go away?
To just perish?


How would you tell them that, and make them understand all the anguish they caused you?
How would you tell them that, and make them understand you want them to be honest, say sorry and change?
How would you tell them that, and make them understand that all you want is clear, peaceful heart?



I do not want to keep on being tormented by this, by our past,
By something no one can change,
By something no one can understand,
By something no one can help anymore.

How do I find closure, when I can not tell anyone anything and make them understand?

How do I find closure, when I can not let myself be honest and damn all the consequences to hell?

How do I find closure, when words already failed me times and again?

How do I find closure, for the sake of myself, when I can not do anything, when I am so paralysed by our past?


How do I find closure? Please? I'm begging...




With So Much Love,
Lina.

Let's Donate!

Donated blood for the first time this morning; 
          A little scared, but also fascinated... *big shining eyes*

I could feel tremors of fear as I watched the attendant prepare the necessary equipment.

After he finished piercing the needle in, I looked at my blood flowing;
          Kinda brought tears to my eyes...     


I did not do much, but lie there and let it flow.

          The blood felt warm...


          It wasn't so bad after all...

          Lovely experience; might do it again in 3 months... 


For those who can;
It is a privilege.


          It felt... good, for the lack of better word, to be able to do this;
          To have the capability to let it flow...





With Love,
Lina.

How Will We Go From Here?

I am numb.


This is no doubt a defence mechanism of my body.


Because if I am feeling,


I would die of insanity.


Because if I am feeling,


What little pieces of heart I so desperately hold together, would be torn apart.


Because if I am feeling,


I will consign my body and soul to the devil.


Because if I am feeling,


My responsibility to you, and others, would be forsaken.


Because if I am feeling,


I would disappoint you, and others, even more.








With Love,
Lina.

Dreams To Duty?

For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. -Dale Carnegie

People have been telling me to follow my dream.

And I am starting to think;

What is actually stopping me from doing so?

I want to be brave.

I want to do what I want.

I want to do what I want and bring back joy and pride of success,

And, more importantly, of happiness.

And then insecurities come hurdling;

Would people still accept me if I fail?

Of course I should not be talking about failing when I have not even tried.

Of course I should have more faith in myself.

Of course I should have more faith in my family and friends.

After all, this is not the first failure.

And there would be more to come.

(Touch wood)

Then again; once bitten, twice shy.

Do you not agree?

Failure after failure;

Being told that dreams are mere dreams;

Fairy-tales unreachable to a mere me…

Should I let that dream go away?

I should not be so easily swayed, should I?

I am very ashamed to make even that as a question.

How do you convince yourself of what you want;

When you feel incomplete?

When you feel like a missing piece?

When you feel inadequate?

Should I storm ahead regardless?

I need to talk.

I need to find a way.

I need to find a way out;

Out of this binds of insecurities.

But every time I find someone to say something,

It is like opening a dam;

Everything just gets poured out, uncontrollably.

Every feelings and emotions release themselves from the chains of restrain on my heart.

Nothing I say would make sense to anybody;

The throat would constrict and the words would get jumbled up,

The body would be shaking and the tears would not stop,

And then I would be too tired to even think.

I keep on wondering when these emotions will stop running like a mad hare;

When I can finally tell those who cares about me,

About my dreams, about me,

And telling them so with pride,

Because I know they care enough to actually listen and not judge,

Because I know they care enough that they love me regardless.

Is it not what we all want;

To be loved and accepted and validated regardless?

I want my dreams, dearests.

Would you care enough to not impose yours on me?

Would you care enough to let me spread my own wings and fly to my destination?

And would you care enough to still love me then?

With Love,

Lina.

Darkened Soul

The matter at hand,
might be too small to be considered.


Dare I forsaken worry, though, when I have lives at my hands?


You say I am too serious.
Am I?


Maybe I am doing things for my ego?
For my vanity?
For my arrogance?


Maybe...




Love,
Lina.

How Are We to Know?

Dear Eddy,


It has been a little more than two weeks...
And my heart has not stopped aching.


I was revisiting our memories;
The day I was looking for you, was the day you left.


Are you squeezing my heart?
Playfully, I bet, just a little too hard for me to breathe.


Ah, Eddy, you were one crazy guy.
And I almost use 'are'...


Should I have said goodbye?




With Love,
Lina.

I Just Want To Say It Out Loud

I was forgotten.


Sigh...

Even I Am Afraid

Sometimes I think I have such unforgiving streaks in me...

Dear Eddy Ryan

Dear Eddy,



We don't know each other very much, do we?
But what little time we had, now salt to my wounded heart.
You took a piece of it away...

You brought solace and wisdom,
And fun and laughter.


You were so insightful and perceptive and strong.
I really loved talking with you,
about anything and everything under the sun,
or even in the cosmo.


I wonder, 
did you know we will be separated so soon?


I wish you peace, Eddy...
May my tears of love send you away...
Let my grief not bog you down,
but a remembrance that you are the beloved friend anybody could ask for.


Rest in peace, Eddy.






With Love,
Your little white wabbit.


In memoriam of Eddy Ryan, a beloved friend.

Earthly Love

How would you love?

So beautiful you can’t not touch him;

Making sure he’s always there…

Making sure he’s not getting away…

The strong pillar of your life;

You can’t bear not to break him…

To pieces.

Make him so broken he would depend on you for life.

The bird of happiness;

You can’t bear not to lock him…

In the same suffocating cotton cage he locks you in.

Nobody would ever laid eyes on him,

And he would have laid eyes only on you.

Making him yours and yours only.

Sharing him to no one but you,

Not even his family or friends,

Not even his past.

This is sickening, you say?

Love would be trusting that he wouldn’t go away even when the heart strings are loosened,

Love would be trusting that he will be there,

Love would be knowing you will be there,

For him.

Maybe someday we’ll all find a love;

Possessive enough to sustain us,

Trusting enough to let us fly…

Maybe someday…

With Love,

Lina.

Is This Camaraderie?

What have you guys done to me?

My chest will not stop aching and my head will not start thinking.

You can believe me when I say that this is my first;

Having a sense of belonging to those you can rely on, 

And know that they trust you enough to rely on you, too.

I know this is cheesy, corny, or whatever; but,

My feet will not touch the ground for the foreseeable future

And, ‘I like it very much, thank you’ does not even begin to describe how I feel.

Try, ‘overwhelmed with delight’.

Friends are like stars, they say;

And I hope even in the midst of bright city lights,

Or cloudy night,

You know that we are there…

This is all the sweet stuff, you say?

Maybe we would find more differences than similarities in the future,

But I hope we share a bond that is not easily forsaken.

I hope we are together because we have found those who would be willing to take the bullets for us,

Or to share simple gestures like share…

The dark part would be;

This is my first.

Dare I reciprocate?

Can I?

I honestly wouldn’t know if I am capable of being a good person worthy of this…

But I would have you know,

I will do my best.

I am deeply sorry if this sounds like pressure; to fit the shoes of solidarity…

I am deeply sorry if this euphoria is a burden.

I am just trying to find a way to express this restlessness in my heart,

And this is the only way I know how.

I am not very outspoken, sometimes…

 And there are things I usually left unsaid; but,

Tonight, I want to say it all here.

With Love,

Lina.

We are Parts of Labour Market

The market is specific, tight
And MERCILESS.

Gender V. Attitude

Female by birth,
Lady by choice.

Living Life

You have the ability to do everything,
And have the honour to do the finer things.

Return On Investment

Put your heart and mind into valuable return;
IMAGE, not fashion.

Living Life

You must be aware with what is happening in the world,
And be able to enjoy it.

Play The Game

People are punished not because of naughtiness, but because of ignorance.

Play the game knowing the rules.

Living Life

Let people do what they like,

You do what you want;

What is RIGHT.

Untitled

I crave human touch.

Lost

Where should one go when one crave comfort?

My Long-Lost Heart

I can't find a single answer for my motivation.


I realised then, and now, I have none.


This nothing-to-lose attitude is more a hassle to my yearning of vivacity than its worth guarding my heart.


Why can't I have one? 
What is lacking in me that caused me to not have anything dear to my heart; 
          anything that I would fight tooth and nail for? 


          Who am I kidding?
          'Amiable relationship'?
          What a bunch of nonsense..


But, it was not.
I really meant it.


What lacking is the motivation from me; 
What I want to achieve for me, 
Not what I want from others.


There is this, 


emptiness; 


The motivation from inside that I'm lacking, since long ago.


Dragging my feet living life, just because, 
Is difficult, 
Is making me lose heart, 
Making me give in to temptation, 
Many temptation. 


          Too darn many of 'em. 


The search of this thing inside has been futile, or so I've found. 
And why I keep on looking? 
Because I feel incomplete without it, that's why. 
And because I fear I can't function without it. 


Am I a person of temperament? I am afraid so. 
I would not want it so, you understand, if I could have chosen.
          Then again, maybe I would choose to be so.


Ah, we'll never end this discussion of what ifs.. 








Love,
Lina.

A Sudden Unearthed Impulse

Beneath this arrogance there is a desire,
to be owned, mastered over,
to be seized over; this very life, this very living,
to be towered over, 
          to be possessed to oblivion,

                    to nothingness but pleasure.

                              And satisfaction.

Beneath this prudishness there is a soul,
longing for light-hearted murmurs for the feelings,
for an embrace that touch the assurance,
          for an ardour that betray the senses. 
                    Straight to eternity.


Beneath this retraction there is a wish,
for somebody to pierce through this mask of haughtiness,
          to pull this charade apart.
                    And reveal what lust inside.


Beneath this strong façade there is a little somebody,
whom is wishing for a little gentleness,
          for a little gloved protection from the cruel world outside,
          for a little silky tie to return to,
          for a little feathery chain to hold on to.
                    For a little love for whom one is.






With Love,
Lina.

A Simple, Yet Complex, Gift.

"To love and to be loved is the greatest gift of all."

Looking For A Saviour? Look Again.

This cowardice of waiting to be saved,
          Waiting to be pulled to escape;

Will we ever break-free?

And then,
Take our own lives into our own hands;

Our own strong hands.

With Love,
Lina.

Mother

"Ku dengar ibuku berdoa,

Ada namaku disebut"

(I heard my mother prayed,

there was my name she mentioned)

This never fails to bring me to the verge of tears.

Always Loving You, Mom,

Lina.

Gets To Me Everytime

My first language is not English,
And I am not very good at my first language, at that.


Kindly do not brush me off.






Paralysed All Day,
Lina.

Love-Hate Relationship of Teachers and Students

We are human beings;

We are inconsistent, fickle-minded creature, just like nature.

When getting students to listen to them, teacher might say:

It is not about doing the assignment or passing the examinations; 

It is about gaining more knowledge for your life.

When students ask question, teacher could brush them off:

It is not on your assignment or examinations; 

Do not bother asking me about it.

If school is really a place to gain knowledge:

Is it limited to only what needed to get distinction in examinations?

Or maybe high distinction?

Are the students not allowed to gain knowledge beyond that, in school?

Where else could we learn, with a safe environment,

When the mind in school is not allowed to roam, 

within the boundaries of the subjects, 

in a worldly context?

Why would people get defensive and tend to brush others off when probed with extended issue of the matters on hand?








Love,
Lina.

New Year(s), New Me?

It's almost new year, and also Chinese new year.


Most people are thinking to stay beautiful after all the festivities;
          I'm thinking to get beautiful by then.


Such is when you have an over-anxious temperament.
*sigh*




Love,
Lina.

Grief

Be wary;

It is creeping,

     Crawling low in the dark,

     Ready to enveloped the heart, 

          When vulnerability lurks,

          When tiredness peeks…

Once you fall, there's no turning back.

Oh yes, 

You might be able to make peace, and manage it,

But, 

          Never be rid of it.

Love,

Lina.

The Trap I Should Know Better

I should have known better than to let myself be overcome with emotion;

How could one take a break from one’s heart?

How could one keep regret at bay?

How could one refuse grief?

Love,

Lina.

Denial.

Denial,
is a way of saying that it is too painful to acknowledge that there is a problem,
And an acknowledgement means that something has to change,
And change could be very difficult.


Love,
Lina.

A Child's Love.

"Kasih anak sepanjang galah"
(Roughly translated: The children's love is only as long as the pole.)


People often say how parents love their children unconditionally and endlessly;
          Have anybody ever think that the children might love the parents in the same way?


I grant that not everybody has that strong a feeling,
And thus giving the impression that there is no such thing as children's love,
Or that we, as children, love our parents because we need them.


My point is;

Can't we love our parents just because we love them, just because?

And then they have to say we can not,
          So we can not.
Ha ha. Very funny.


Whatever happens to 'watch your mouth' and 'ucapan itu adalah doa' (Roughly translated: Speech is a prayer) ?






Longing,
Lina.

The Big Question of Them Or Me.

Why does it hurt so much being misunderstood?
          Being treating as blitherin' idiot?
          By the people whom you thought would know better?




Or is it the way God, or whoever The Greater Being out there, to show me that I still have feelings,
          When I was convinced otherwise for a long time?


Well, You are doing a good, no, great job of it;
          I'm friggin' convinced.




Love,
Lina.

The Up and Down in Our Tumultuous Relationship

I might never be good enough for some people,
          Even my loved ones,
          But that would not stop me from telling you I care, my love...


When the times get so trying and frustrating,
          I might leave for awhile to regroup,
          But that would not stop me from knowing you care, my love...


When we are bringing out the worst in one another's,
          I might think I have never felt so miserable in my life,
          But that would not stop me from making us our cups of tea, my love...




Because we are we;
          Human beings,
          With our shortcomings,
          And of course, our layers of complexity.


So,
          Let's keep on loving...






With Love,
     Lina.

The Absence of Communication in My Relationships With Others

I was told that I did not contact others unless I need them.


Here is my answer to that:
          I think that waiting to pour my heart out to you when we meet again would make our connection so much more wonderful, so much more meaningful.




Love,
Lina.

Where Do You Draw The Line On Sharing?

Have you ever had something so valuable you do not want to let anybody knows?

I am not talking about money, or jewellery, or anything like that...

But,
          A certain someone, a certain feeling, a certain story?

Or does it have to be share and share alike?


Love,
Lina.

Never-ending Issue With Love.

Do you believe in marriage of convenience?
          Or, according to the current term; practicality?

What about 'love can be nurtured'?
          What if you find someone, in whom your love is 'natured'?
          Would you then leave your partner?

Is it love's fault?

Or is it us, humans, who are being too arrogant by doing the dictation in love?



Love,
Lina.

The Secret Affair With Food.

What happened before that guilt after eating?
          Fullness, extreme fullness of life.

Food, as a way of coping with life?
          Non, niet, nicht, NO!


Love,
Lina.

The Option of Life.

When crying is perceived as weakness;

what are we to do when violence does not even classify,

does not even make the cut for the tumultuous heart,

as an option?

Love,

Lina.

It Really Starts From The Heart.

In the few months when I started to put my foot down on my principles,
I noticed that I can feel more stability in my mental-self,
and when I’m mentally stronger I feel more tendencies on generousity.

Well,

What d’ya know?

By taking care of myself and taking stand in what I believe in (without having to force my belief upon others),

I’m growing my heart up.

And, nothing beats your inner joy.

Love,
Lina.

Living Life

Health

is a state of complete

physical, mental and social wellbeing,

and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

World Health Organisation

Living Life

When you arise in the morning,
think of what a precious privilege it is
to be alive,
to breathe,
to think,
to enjoy,

to love.

Living Life

If you are not actively involved in getting what you want;

You do not really want it.

Living Life

It is your world.
You are a shareholder;

Take an active interest in it.