My Long-Lost Heart

I can't find a single answer for my motivation.


I realised then, and now, I have none.


This nothing-to-lose attitude is more a hassle to my yearning of vivacity than its worth guarding my heart.


Why can't I have one? 
What is lacking in me that caused me to not have anything dear to my heart; 
          anything that I would fight tooth and nail for? 


          Who am I kidding?
          'Amiable relationship'?
          What a bunch of nonsense..


But, it was not.
I really meant it.


What lacking is the motivation from me; 
What I want to achieve for me, 
Not what I want from others.


There is this, 


emptiness; 


The motivation from inside that I'm lacking, since long ago.


Dragging my feet living life, just because, 
Is difficult, 
Is making me lose heart, 
Making me give in to temptation, 
Many temptation. 


          Too darn many of 'em. 


The search of this thing inside has been futile, or so I've found. 
And why I keep on looking? 
Because I feel incomplete without it, that's why. 
And because I fear I can't function without it. 


Am I a person of temperament? I am afraid so. 
I would not want it so, you understand, if I could have chosen.
          Then again, maybe I would choose to be so.


Ah, we'll never end this discussion of what ifs.. 








Love,
Lina.

A Sudden Unearthed Impulse

Beneath this arrogance there is a desire,
to be owned, mastered over,
to be seized over; this very life, this very living,
to be towered over, 
          to be possessed to oblivion,

                    to nothingness but pleasure.

                              And satisfaction.

Beneath this prudishness there is a soul,
longing for light-hearted murmurs for the feelings,
for an embrace that touch the assurance,
          for an ardour that betray the senses. 
                    Straight to eternity.


Beneath this retraction there is a wish,
for somebody to pierce through this mask of haughtiness,
          to pull this charade apart.
                    And reveal what lust inside.


Beneath this strong façade there is a little somebody,
whom is wishing for a little gentleness,
          for a little gloved protection from the cruel world outside,
          for a little silky tie to return to,
          for a little feathery chain to hold on to.
                    For a little love for whom one is.






With Love,
Lina.

A Simple, Yet Complex, Gift.

"To love and to be loved is the greatest gift of all."

Looking For A Saviour? Look Again.

This cowardice of waiting to be saved,
          Waiting to be pulled to escape;

Will we ever break-free?

And then,
Take our own lives into our own hands;

Our own strong hands.

With Love,
Lina.

Mother

"Ku dengar ibuku berdoa,

Ada namaku disebut"

(I heard my mother prayed,

there was my name she mentioned)

This never fails to bring me to the verge of tears.

Always Loving You, Mom,

Lina.

Gets To Me Everytime

My first language is not English,
And I am not very good at my first language, at that.


Kindly do not brush me off.






Paralysed All Day,
Lina.

Love-Hate Relationship of Teachers and Students

We are human beings;

We are inconsistent, fickle-minded creature, just like nature.

When getting students to listen to them, teacher might say:

It is not about doing the assignment or passing the examinations; 

It is about gaining more knowledge for your life.

When students ask question, teacher could brush them off:

It is not on your assignment or examinations; 

Do not bother asking me about it.

If school is really a place to gain knowledge:

Is it limited to only what needed to get distinction in examinations?

Or maybe high distinction?

Are the students not allowed to gain knowledge beyond that, in school?

Where else could we learn, with a safe environment,

When the mind in school is not allowed to roam, 

within the boundaries of the subjects, 

in a worldly context?

Why would people get defensive and tend to brush others off when probed with extended issue of the matters on hand?








Love,
Lina.

New Year(s), New Me?

It's almost new year, and also Chinese new year.


Most people are thinking to stay beautiful after all the festivities;
          I'm thinking to get beautiful by then.


Such is when you have an over-anxious temperament.
*sigh*




Love,
Lina.

Grief

Be wary;

It is creeping,

     Crawling low in the dark,

     Ready to enveloped the heart, 

          When vulnerability lurks,

          When tiredness peeks…

Once you fall, there's no turning back.

Oh yes, 

You might be able to make peace, and manage it,

But, 

          Never be rid of it.

Love,

Lina.

The Trap I Should Know Better

I should have known better than to let myself be overcome with emotion;

How could one take a break from one’s heart?

How could one keep regret at bay?

How could one refuse grief?

Love,

Lina.

Denial.

Denial,
is a way of saying that it is too painful to acknowledge that there is a problem,
And an acknowledgement means that something has to change,
And change could be very difficult.


Love,
Lina.

A Child's Love.

"Kasih anak sepanjang galah"
(Roughly translated: The children's love is only as long as the pole.)


People often say how parents love their children unconditionally and endlessly;
          Have anybody ever think that the children might love the parents in the same way?


I grant that not everybody has that strong a feeling,
And thus giving the impression that there is no such thing as children's love,
Or that we, as children, love our parents because we need them.


My point is;

Can't we love our parents just because we love them, just because?

And then they have to say we can not,
          So we can not.
Ha ha. Very funny.


Whatever happens to 'watch your mouth' and 'ucapan itu adalah doa' (Roughly translated: Speech is a prayer) ?






Longing,
Lina.

The Big Question of Them Or Me.

Why does it hurt so much being misunderstood?
          Being treating as blitherin' idiot?
          By the people whom you thought would know better?




Or is it the way God, or whoever The Greater Being out there, to show me that I still have feelings,
          When I was convinced otherwise for a long time?


Well, You are doing a good, no, great job of it;
          I'm friggin' convinced.




Love,
Lina.

The Up and Down in Our Tumultuous Relationship

I might never be good enough for some people,
          Even my loved ones,
          But that would not stop me from telling you I care, my love...


When the times get so trying and frustrating,
          I might leave for awhile to regroup,
          But that would not stop me from knowing you care, my love...


When we are bringing out the worst in one another's,
          I might think I have never felt so miserable in my life,
          But that would not stop me from making us our cups of tea, my love...




Because we are we;
          Human beings,
          With our shortcomings,
          And of course, our layers of complexity.


So,
          Let's keep on loving...






With Love,
     Lina.

The Absence of Communication in My Relationships With Others

I was told that I did not contact others unless I need them.


Here is my answer to that:
          I think that waiting to pour my heart out to you when we meet again would make our connection so much more wonderful, so much more meaningful.




Love,
Lina.

Where Do You Draw The Line On Sharing?

Have you ever had something so valuable you do not want to let anybody knows?

I am not talking about money, or jewellery, or anything like that...

But,
          A certain someone, a certain feeling, a certain story?

Or does it have to be share and share alike?


Love,
Lina.

Never-ending Issue With Love.

Do you believe in marriage of convenience?
          Or, according to the current term; practicality?

What about 'love can be nurtured'?
          What if you find someone, in whom your love is 'natured'?
          Would you then leave your partner?

Is it love's fault?

Or is it us, humans, who are being too arrogant by doing the dictation in love?



Love,
Lina.

The Secret Affair With Food.

What happened before that guilt after eating?
          Fullness, extreme fullness of life.

Food, as a way of coping with life?
          Non, niet, nicht, NO!


Love,
Lina.

The Option of Life.

When crying is perceived as weakness;

what are we to do when violence does not even classify,

does not even make the cut for the tumultuous heart,

as an option?

Love,

Lina.

It Really Starts From The Heart.

In the few months when I started to put my foot down on my principles,
I noticed that I can feel more stability in my mental-self,
and when I’m mentally stronger I feel more tendencies on generousity.

Well,

What d’ya know?

By taking care of myself and taking stand in what I believe in (without having to force my belief upon others),

I’m growing my heart up.

And, nothing beats your inner joy.

Love,
Lina.